You meant everything and more to me.
I felt like everything was okay when you were around me.
But at the same time you were my poison,
I loved you and I thought you loved me back.
But it was you, me and my best friend.
And you chose my best friend over me.
I knew the deep, smart, funny, real side of you.
She knew the side you showed everyone.
I pushed you away because I wanted you to be happy, but I couldn’t be part of it because it hurt way too much.
We stopped talking because I was hurt and I lost both of you because I couldn’t handle that she had what I needed.
Which was you.
And I thought I had moved on.

I was walking out of work at the end of my shift at the tattoo parlour, when I saw you come running up to me.
You caught up to me and said thank you.
I asked you what you were talking about and you pulled out a book: “Do Androids dream of Electric Sheep”, a first edition copy.
Our favourite.
The one I ordered for him for Christmas.
You started going on and on about how much it meant to him that even though we moved a part from each other that I still thought about him, and that he never stopped thinking about me and that he wants to fix things between us even though he was still seeing her.
I stopped him mid sentence and said: “I ordered that book before what happened and I completely forgot to cancel it. I’m so sorry”
His face fell as he said: “No, no I’m sorry. It was an honest mistake.”
I wanted so badly to hug him and say: “I miss you so much and I want to be with you. I’ll do anything to let that happen.”
But all I could say was: “I’m glad you liked it though. Merry Christmas.”
I turned around and walked home.

I don’t know if I did the right thing. I miss him so terribly, but I can’t be around him knowing that he made a choice.
One that hurt me so much.

Did I do the right thing?
I miss him so much.