What’s bothering me:
1. I broke up with my girlfriend yesterday, it actually went pretty well, we both knew it was the right thing. The problem was afterwards there was a lot of pain, and I knew the pain was good, it was there to teach me things. But instead I watched p*** to numb out, which means I short circuit the learning process, I just learn that I need more p***.
2. I can’t seem to motivate myself to do the work I need on my master’s application, it’s just taking me so long, like months. Now the prof I want to work for is wondering if things are a good fit. My perfectionism is killing me, and at some level I’m not confident that it is a good fit, or I’m just afraid of failing.
3. I’m doubting my faith very seriously. It’s not making sense to me anymore. I want to engage with these doubts, seek the truth. I want to talk to different people, read books. But at some level I’m still afraid of hell. The idea of hell itself is motivation for me to reject my faith. But am I smart enough to figure out whether there is a God or not? No. So I can’t rule that out. If hell is true, it’s a terrifying prospect.