Ever since I a tiny girl I would get urges that I acted on. Its like something would come over me and I would hurt myself completely from out of the blue.

12 years

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Ever since I a tiny girl I would get urges that I acted on. Its like something would come over me and I would hurt myself completely from out of the blue. Overdosed on pills a few times when I was 6 years old, one of which was me consuming a large bottle of pills (aspirin). It hospitalized me accept I didn’t tell anyone that I took pills. They were going to take my appendix out the next day thinking it was that. I thought those urges and me acting on them was normal so I didn’t know that there was anything to tell. I wasn’t stupid and I was being verbally and s******* abused. Could it be from that or do I have a mental disorder?

I’m still getting these same urges, it happens when I feel too happy, sad, excited, or any strong emotion. I no longer act on these urges but I battle fighting them when it comes on. My family thinks I’m doing better because I’m not acting on them. Truth is I’m basically just burying things deeper down. Doctors want me on medication and I want to know whats wrong with me and exactly what is it that I’m dealing with here. I’m in favor of being placed on medication if I can find a doctor who will tell me what I’m being treated for so I can find the right support group to join. I would rather live with this problem than to allow doctors to only drug me up as they have done before.

New Confession

i hear this weird bird at night, now I have great imaginitis, so in my head I see it as some steam punk tarred n feathered humanoid hybrid with peak and googles and a suit with feathers falling out everywhere looking for its ding dong for a shag somewhere with local women on a bike. slightly ostrich, slightly alien humoid and steam punk. That is the picture in my head. I have near ever yet seen it so I often sing to myself that song “one of these nights, one of these crazy crazy nights… silly lamaha who turns on your lights” The eagles , between dark and light , cuz I rarely hear it in the day. I imagine some old b****** blowing his hoot looking for a shoot , you know what I mean. I bet its tarred and feathered well too. the rainbow thoth call guy riding a bike looking for some fly money for s***** affliations at night.

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There’s this one chick in my group of friends who everyone loves. They do her work, they pamper her, they hang out with her, and it pisses me off because I’m the only one who knows she SA’d one of her exes. She’s such a s***, dresses for attention and is overall a pick me. It pisses me off because these are the only friends I’ve managed to make because of my social anxiety and I don’t want to ruin anything and be lonely again. Im still lonely, I have a feeling deep down no one cares for who I am or my opinions.