When i was in Highschool (Grade 10) i didnt dress too well, i didnt use makeup or anything, i wasnt unattractive, but i defiantly didnt look the same as i do now on a day to day basis, i usually just wore sweaters jeans and high tops, whereas now i care about how i look. Anyways, i felt insecure and unattractive, and had an abusive ex who was somehow still in my life.
One day about a month or two into the school year i noticed this guy looking at me, looking at me more then normal, while we would be working at our desks from across the room id feel eyes on me, and id look up and wed lock eyes for a moment before hed quickly turn to look at something else. At first i was curious so i started to look at him too, wondering why he was looking at me, we always crossed paths in the school halls but never talked, never got too close. Soon, i started to like him even though we hadnt talked, i just started to find him attractive.
Anyways, this carried on for awhile, sitting across the room stealing glances at each other sometimes wed both look at the same time and both quickly blush and pretend to look at something else. It got to the point where id purposely sit in the same room as him and sit in a seat not too close but where i could see him clearly. Id walk around the school looking in rooms to see which one he was in and if i found him id sit in the same room as him.
Soon, i started to find things out about him, via people who knew him or just from being in the same room as him for a long time, he always wore band shirts of bands i already really liked or that were my favorites, He was a Gymnast (and buff as hell), He was Two years above me, i Found out his name from hearing his friend call to him, i found out that he took the japanese language course at the school.
I thought about him all the time, i always hoped that he’d come up to me. Im certain he at least thought me attractive, because he looked at me a lot, that is one thing i am certain of is that we both stared at each other more then anybody or anything else in the room. I’d like to think that he thought about me too and wondered what i was like, what i was into, i like to think that he formed feelings towards me, but to think that is wishful thinking.
But it was TWO YEARS of staring, me not having the balls to go over to him or say anything, he never came over to me as well. i like to think he was the same as me, too nervous, really really f****** afraid, i almost threw up one time i was walking in the halls going around the corner and i turned to come face to face with him the closest wed ever been i literally had the biggest pang in my heart and a gagging feeling and i literally RAN away.
Anyways, after all of this, the April of his last year (two months left before hed graduate) i was going away on a 10 day trip to china, the night before i went (because i have no balls) I found him on facebook and sent him a lengthy message explaining everything, how i noticed hed been looking at me and i was curious about him etc and wondered if hed like to get to know me, and i explained how i came to find him, through asking people who knew him a little etc, and then the next morning i went away on my trip, knowing i wouldnt have internet or FB access in china, it gave me those ten days to get the balls up to check his soon to be reply message.

When i came back home from china there was no reply message. There was no new friend request.
i avoided him for the rest of the year until he graduated. I was so embarassed.

I realize that the message may have seemed creepy, but i sent it because i thought maybe neither of us had the balls, i really badly wanted to initiate something. I didnt ask to be his gf, all i said was i wanted to get to know him. But again, it probably seemed stalkerish.

The only thing im certain of, again, is that he did stare at me. As much as i stared at him. he may have not felt anything, but it was TWO YEARS of staring.

I wish i had the balls to go up to him when i had the chance. Its ruined now from my message. I know what University he goes to, i could find him if i wanted. But my message has ruined it.

It has been 5 years since this started, and i still think about him, wondering what might have happened.