We all have daddy issues. I’ve never had a good relationship with my dad as far as I could remember.
When I was a kid, he was was rarely at home with us because of his job, so I never actually had spent proper bonding time with him. I know he was doing it for the sake of having a roof to live under and food at the table, but at the time I did not really thought of it much. He was often villianized in mom’s side of the family for being so cocky when he tells his stories of his rags to riches success. He was definitely a workaholic and was very prideful of his accomplishments but his pride was definitely his downfall. Eventually we went bankrupt due to a bad business investment and ended up moving to America for a second chance.
His worst decision by far for our family was to move to Vegas. At first, he and mom would go to the casino to gamble once a month for leisure. Eventually it turned into every week, and sometimes he’d sneak off without my mom’s consent to go gamble, come back two days later. At worse case scenario, we had found out he had been throwing his job paycheck to the casino and make payday loans to cover up this habit for 3 months straight. I turn, he racked up so much debt that we ended up losing our house and filing for bankruptcy a second time.
Meanwhile at the time my mom was diagnosed with lung cancer (2nd stage). After finding out about this, my dad somehow managed to stop gambling for my mom’s sake. A few months later, after tough battle the cancer had approached terminal stage and we decided to have her spend the few moments of her life left back at our home country. At the time my mom’s condition had approached the point that she could not speak for herself since the cancer had already made it’s way to her brain, so the choice was made by my aunt and my sister because my dad was too emotionally unstable to make a rational decision. Ever since then he despised my aunt and my sister even though they made the right decision.
For the longest I tolerated every wrong thing my dad did “for the sake of our family”, until one day something really triggered my hatred for him. Not even a week after my mom’s death, I had found out from the neighbors that he had stolen some money from my mom’s purse to go play cards with the locals and flirt with the whores. And when we returned to America, not even a month after, he finds a girlfriend and gets married to some random Jersey girl he met at a bus stop.
I went into a blind rage and told him off in front of my siblings and relatives. I moved out to escape his b******* and didn’t see his face for 4 years. I was going to college, living a content life, and even found God and resolved it in my heart to forgive him, or so I thought.
4 years later, I get a call from my brother saying that he was in the hospital after rupturing an organ at work and needs me to look after him for a few months after his surgery.
He’s still the same old pathetic man that he was. Prideful old man still living in the past through the story of his glory days on repeat like a broken record, a pure drama queen, and still too blind to realize his own mistakes. He’s sought help for his gambling, but he’d still to go gambling during his day off (thankfully just using his tip money). Still, every little thing he does, every stupid request he asks, and little quirks that he has annoys the hell out of me. When you hate a person soo much, every little thing they do is a f****** nuisance . And to top it of all, I realized I still haven’t forgiven him. I’ve had dark thoughts that he’d just wither and die and I’d be okay with it. I know this wrong and I feel horrible about it, but I can’t help such thoughts after what he’s done to my mom and the rest of our family. Sometimes I feel like his the youngest member of the family, acting and bickering like a child and you can’t help but pity him. Just seeing his face every morning is a daily reminder of how much he’s hurt me, my mom, and my siblings. I hate him and I’m sick of him.
Honestly, I don’t know anymore.
Funny thing is, he’s in front of me right now rambling another one of his stories and doesn’t even realize I’m writing this.