Is it possible to love one, yet dream of another? Since school I thought you were very attractive, funny, smart, but you were much older than me and I was awkward. I dated a friend of yours in high school, and we would go to your house and play video games and as a big group go watch films at the theater. You are really into them. The summer Inception came out we saw that movie a thousand times. Since all of our friends, including you, worked there it was always free. I still have the ticket stubs. Anytime I heard you were hanging out or that my boyfriend (now of 5 years) was going to your house I would always tag along. I think I was invisible to you until this summer when you came back home. It was right before you were leaving to move to LA to start your film career. I was at home trying to figure out my life. I always wanted to hang out with you. I wanted you to like me. I don’t know why I had these urges but I have always been attracted to you. I mustered up the courage to ask to hang out, ya know as friends. You invited me over to drink with some people. This was the first time it we planned ourselves to hang out, and not through a friend or whomever we were dating at the time. I was nervous but so excited. We got hammered drunk, and you shared all your cigarettes with me as we stayed up all night talking and laughing. I don’t really remember what we said, but I know I couldn’t stop thinking about it the whole next day at work. We accidentally watched the Dark Knight 2 or 3 times in a row that night. You listened to me and asked me questions. We tried to bring up talk of my boyfriend, to make it seem more platonic. We both felt guilty for having so much fun. I wanted to badly to hug you and to ask you so many questions about your interests and life. The next night we hung out again except you got me so drunk I blacked out and you had to take me home. At the bar that night I tried to stay away from you and talk to other people we were with to again make it seem more platonic. I didn’t want to send you to strong of a signal. I was unsure you actually wanted me around, or if you were just being friendly. I think you tried to equally avoid me. I remember 2 specific moments of that night though. First was when I first got to your house and you told me the night before you hadn’t laughed that much in so long. I thought that was strange. I laugh that much all the time. I assumed you would have too, because you are probably the funniest person I know. The second was when we were standing up for you to take me home, I leaned on you because I couldn’t keep my balance and for a moment I forgot to keep it just friendly and I think we hugged and it felt nice, perfect almost. The next day I was devastated I had gotten so drunk and that our time was over. I was going back to the city soon to living with my boyfriend again and you were moving cross country. You had text me and confessed feelings for me, and I agreed mine were the same. We both kept our conversations reserved though. I didn’t want to move forward in your direction as it wouldn’t make much sense in this time. Our timing is so off. You always have a new girl every few months. You have a new one now. I felt like the weekend in which we had our moment I was just another girl you wanted on your list. We continued to talk but we kept it small, until I went back to Chicago and told you we had to stop. I still am not sure if you actually liked me or if you were just playing a game. You asked me to come back home, we would drunk text now and again, but I tried to blow it off or I would never remember what was said as I always deleted the texts as they came.

I had so much fun around you. I had never questioned leaving my boyfriend now, one of your good friends, until we hung out. I knew it was trouble from the start. I am proud of myself for not getting too carried away. If I could talk to you again I would tell you that I wish we had good timing. We talked of meeting again some day, in good time once you are a famous filmmaker and I a famous artist. I don’t know how much truth you have behind your words, but your words and your laughs made me feel important and smart and funny and happy. I wish desperately you would text me one day again, or message me on Facebook, or I would run into on the street. I dream I become a famous artist and they ship me to LA to do a show and I run into you at a bar or a restaurant and we carry on like we did in days past. I dream of your laugh and your stories and for you to say my name. I wonder what you see in your new girlfriend. Is she just biding your time? Are you waiting for me like im waiting for you? When I think of you do you think of me too?