Sometimes I end up thinking about the past. How it was like to deal with no worries about tomorrow. And how today’s biggest problem was whether or not we finished today’s set of Algebra homework.
I suppose I tend to gloss over the bad things that happened. They consume my thoughts every once in awhile, but the moment always passes. We were different people. That I know, for certain.
It’s naive of me to say I want things the way it used to be. I don’t.
I suppose what I truly want are for things to be simpler. Just how it was back then. SO much has happened. So much I wish I could tell you. But I can’t, and I won’t.
Do you remember when we planned on going to the city together? You asked me if I had thought we could last that long. I had told you, ‘I don’t know’ and part of me wonders if thing would have been different had I said yes.
You linger. Like the smoke from an extinguished flame. Suffocating me in my thoughts and my dreams. I think about every moment we spent together, and question if my memory is false in remembering you as happy as you were.
My insecurities had always gotten the better of me. I never thought I was good enough for you. So when you left, and had told me “I deserved better,” I was broken. I’d experienced heartbreak before, but this was different.
I became numb. My senses, dull to the pain of your absence. Could it have been because you had never left? You were always around. Always by my side. For three years, after the smoke had cleared you were still there.
Imperfect. But still the best version of yourself you could be.
I loved watching you grow and prosper. You struggled, but prevailed to the very end. You continued to love. While I became stuck in place. My feet glued to the ground, unable to navigate myself through this endless maze.
I made mistakes. I tried to forget. I tried to move on. It wasn’t enough. So I aimed to please.
I became nothing but a hollow shell and bent at every will that came my way. And I ended up drowning to escape the fire.
And here I am, five years later standing on the edge of a cliff aiming for the skies. I loved you. I love you. I fear that I always will.
I don’t know where you are or how you’re doing, but I’ve always wanted to let you know that even though you may have not been my first love, or my last, you are the one I’ve loved the most.
