There’s a girl I’ve known for almost 4 years now, we started talking over the internet and despite there being an ocean separating us we grew to be extremely close friends.
But around this time last year was when I sort of realized I had began growing feelings for her. I was always a bit wary of confessing to her, because she was older than me, and I didn’t think she’d be interested in me in that way. So I put it off because I didn’t want it to ruin our friendship, that I treasured more than anything.
But I did end up doing it around summertime last year. She said I had been acting strange, and asked if she had done something wrong, and also wanted to know exactly what I thought of her, so I told her the truth. I told her that I had felt that way for as long as I did, and that the reason I had put it off for so long was because her friendship was more important to me than that relationship that didn’t even exist, I didn’t want anything to change because of this.
She said she didn’t feel the same way about me, but also that she understood that you can’t control your feelings, and she wanted us to just continue as normal as well.
And after finding out that nothing would come of it, I thought I could abandon those feelings I had for her, and just be her good friend like I always had.
But I guess that was more difficult than it sounded, for both of us. I’ll spare the details about what happened next, but it wasn’t the same anymore, we didn’t talk as much, were more reluctant to share things, and eventually just stopped talking entirely.
Fast forward to about a month ago, there’s been no words exchanged between us for about 4 months, she sends me a message saying she misses me, and apologizing for how she had acted before. I reply that I miss her too, because of course I missed her, and I apologize for all that I did as well.
At this point, I had forgotten all the feelings of love I had before, I really just wanted to be her friend again, and have fun together like we used to.
And for the first few weeks we did, I was really happy we had started talking again, and she said she was as well.
I think you can see where this is going, considering the category.
She tells me there’s a guy at work that she really likes, and she had found out he likes her as well through a work colleague.
Meanwhile on my side of things, a mutual friend told me that the girl I had had a crush on in the past, and confessed to, and am now talking to again after so long, also had a crush on me. But she never told me, because she didn’t think she could deal with an online relationship.
I didn’t know how to feel about this. It felt really nice to know somebody liked me in that way, especially her. But at the same time it completely brought back everything that I felt for her before.
The guy she liked at work? They’ve been dating for a few weeks now, she practically lives with him, she says she’s really happy. And for that I’m happy, her happiness for a long time has meant more to me than my own.
But here I am, watching from the side as the girl I love so much spends her entire days with somebody else. I’m happy for her, but my heart is broken. There’s already been several nights where I couldn’t fall asleep with this knowledge in my mind.
I know it’s wrong, but I feel so hurt, and I’m so afraid of being pushed aside and forgotten.
She doesn’t know I feel this way, she doesn’t know that I know she felt that way before, and I don’t know what to do.
I can’t just leave, I can’t tell her how I feel, at the moment it doesn’t seem like I can do anything but just… endure. And so that is what I will do, for her sake I’ll continue supporting her, and being there for her like I always have. I’ll live, it’ll be painful, but I’ll live, and hopefully it’ll get easier.
