i’m honestly unsure which of my memories are real or imagined. there’s so much that can’t be real mixed in with a bunch of plausible events and some that just kind of straddle the line. i was diagnosed schizoaffective a while back, and it just feels like my memories are getting so much worse. some f****** ship of theseus s*** going on, and i’m not sure whether i really count as myself anymore. i want to try to make myself a better person by trying to reign in this sort of problem, or maybe just control what happens to my memories, but it doesn’t seem possible to do the latter, and i feel i’m in no state to do the former. i’ve always wanted to be a writer, but everything i write just spirals into nonsense. i want to die, in that i feel like i’ve lost so much of myself, who i am, and who i want to be, but i want to live, for the sake of my fiancee, my parents, my sister, etc. it feels like i have nothing but food and video games and conversation to keep me from going further down the rabbit hole, but i can’t hold down a job, so things are really beginning to take a toll. i just want to be the person i used to be, but i’m not even sure who that was. i’m angry. i’m bored. i’m in love. just wanted to get this off my chest
