I don’t know whats really going on with me. Sometimes I just feel so tired of everything, wanting it all to kind of stop, or pause to let me catch my breath. Sometimes I lie on my bed thinking “I can’t do this anymore” or “Whats the point of anything?” and it just feels so horrible sometimes.
I constantly find myself thinking thoughts like, “I’m worthless” and “My friends hate me, why would they ever like me?” or “Ugly” I can’t look in the mirror without thinking that I could be better, or how much of my life I’ve wasted (Despite me being in my teens)
I go to school each day with this feeling of absolute dread. I feel like everyone there despises me, and talks behind my back. I haven’t had real friends in two years, so now that I finally have them, I still feel pretty bad. Its like I’m surrounded by people, yet I feel this ever growing loneliness. I’m definitely one of the shy kids in the class so it feels like I don’t exist sometimes, especially when someone asks for my name and its the end of the school year (happened multiple times). Not only that, but the classes are just all the same. My life is all the same. I feel like im stuck. Everything I do is the same as the day before. It feels like im trapped in a loop I’ll never get out of.
I mean, I have goals in life. I know what I want to do as a profession, and smile when thinking about. But it just feels like its all so far away, and pointless.
I’m not sure if I could have depression. I admittedly have had some suicidal thoughts and have tried to harm myself (but failed, backed out of it in panic and tears) but I just feel like I don’t have a valid reason to be depressed. I have a good home, my parents are nice, I’m fed well, and live comfortably. With all of that I feel like…I don’t know anymore. I don’t fucking know.
This may have been all over the place but thanks for letting me write my thoughts out. It kind of helped sort it all out a bit. So yeah.