Hi everyone. My childhood was weird, I went through s***** abuse when I was 4 from a cousin. At age 5 my parents became distant and my father started to cheat on my mother and got aggressive, he could beat us easily. My parents never helped me with my experience of abuse, my mother kept silent to protect her family (my cousin was the son of one his sisters) and as an only child I grew up helping to maintain a balance between my mother and my father. It was stressful, and I began having panic attacks at age 8. My teenage years were awful.
Now I’m 20, close to 21, and I’m feeling depressed as f***. I’ve been on treatment for four years with medication and therapy to help with my anxiety and mood swings. I’m going to University now, and I “fell in love” with a professor, I still have a huge crush on him and I can’t stop thinking about him, even when he’s not my professor anymore. This time I began to think about a lot of things on my life and rejecting my father, who has been doing good stuff and acting like a good father for me now. But I still feel bad about my life. I feel lost, I can’t stop spending time daydreaming about stuff that isn’t real at all and I lost a lot of time doing it, as a consequence I can’t focus on studying as much as I want.
I don’t know what to do, I want to talk with my psychologist because I have a secret: I don’t know if it’s bad, but my father acted in a weird way a few times when I was younger, he could ask me to sit on his lap and I could “feel something there”, and once he grabbed one of my breast. I don’t blame on him, although I hate him I don’t think he’s a sick person, and he never did anything else. But I’ve been remembering that stuff and when he was aggressive and a cheating monster and I reject him more than ever. I’ve never said this to anyone because it wasn’t on my thoughts often.
Now I feel lonely. I feel that I’m alone, I think the reason why I can’t stop thinking about the professor is because of all this. I saw in him a kind of strange figure, half father half lover. He acted different when I was around and did stuff that I made me thought that he felt attraction for me, but now I doubt about my perception and I feel terrible thinking that him just saw me as a normal student and I twisted everything on my mind, or that he just saw me as a woman (like a man look a woman…) and then forgot about my face while I’m here still thinking about him.
I feel bad. My mother is the person that I love the most on my life, but her image of a strong woman on my mind now is over. I’m afraid of becoming her and I’m escaping from every relationship with someone who makes me feel like I’m acting like her.
I feel alone.
