Some things I’ve wanted to get off of my chest are these 2 things. 1.) I’m 19(f) and I have never kissed a guy nor had slept with one. One friend judged me for this when i was 17, so i made a lie that i have had s** with someone i once had a thing for. He and i hung out alot and we had feelings for each other but it only went as far as that. No kissing, nada. He eventually moved away and we still talk on and off from time to time. I really like him to this very day, but he is what people call a “f*** boy” and he really is. He gets a new gf every week. He also became a druggie and began smoking cigarettes. Ive never actually had a relationship with any guy. Ive only had crushes which led them to flirting with me and try to talk me into having s** with them because they never had s** with a “mexican”, a friend who stabbed me behind the back and date them, or have a different friend tell them that i stalked them (she had a crush on the guy too) thats as far as i have gotten with anything. I feel lonely. My best friend 6 years gets guys daily begging for her number and i get nothing. Im still hung over the druggie guy and i know hes no good. Besides hes probably forgotten about me. My family always keep asking me if im ever gonna find a bf, and i never reply because its getting old. Every holiday i get that question. Last year it really got me. On my birthday we had a cook out, i just turned 18 and i graduated highschool, My family asked the question “why are you single” and my brothers and uncle cracked jokes saying i dont have a boyfriend because i was a w**** and that i just f*** guys. I couldn’t act like i was b*** hurt so i laughed along. I went inside and began to cry, thank god no one was inside. I feel so lonely and ashamed that i lied and said i was not a virgin. I wish i found someone who liked me for me. 2.) The second Thing i want to confess is about my cousin who did try to do stuff to me. Ive never told anyone everything. he would message me daily as a friend or family member, asking how his aunt was (my mom) or how was school. We grew up together he is 3 years older than me. It all started when i was 16. Eventually he started trying to flirt and id tell him to stop. Hed stop and then bring up something pervertive and itd gross me out. I stopped texting him for a while because he went as far as calling me “baby” and sending pictures. He freaked me out. After i graduated highschool and turned 18. During the cookout my aunt and her family showed up for the cookout. They live about 6 hours away so they were staying for a couple days then heading back. My cousin came along with his sister and brother. I was actually scared and nauseous. This happened after my brothers and uncle Cracked jokes about me being a secret w****. So it didnt make my day any better. I tried to avoid him at all costs and when he tried to talk to me id ignore him. He eventually spoke to me and said he wanted to apologize for the way he acted a couple months back. He had this whole story written in his head. I forgave him after we started reminising how we use to play games when we were little. I forgot and went on with my day. That morning i woke up around 5 to my door opening. I acted asleep and tried to ignore the fact that someone was crawling Into my bed with me. I opened my eyes and turned around and my cousin was there smiling at me. I was still in a haze trying to fully wakeup. What shot me awake was his hand sliding up my shirt. I shot up and begged him to leave. He tried to pull me down closer to him and i ended up crying and begged him not to do what he planned on doing and to leave. He did. Its been a whole year and i havent spoken to him since. My mom does talk about my aunt (his mom) and how theyre doing. He apparently is a dad. I honestly cant hear his name without feeling sick to my stomach. I know i say i feel lonely but im scared that if i ever find someone ill freak out when they touch me. I was scarred from that day. I would flinch when someone would touch me from behind. I know i was never actually had stuff done to me by him, but the thought of him planning on doing stuff is what haunts me.
Sorry for typing so much. Butb I’ve tried to tell someone anything but they never listen. I think it’s because i talk so much. This is somethings I’ve kept secret for a while. I feel ashamed and embarassed
