I had a dream which was possibly my first nightmare last night. It was so disgusting and sad and strange and disturbingly realistic that I don’t want to specify the details to anyone, even my close friends, but I still want to make sense of it regardless. It was set sometime when I was a young teenager and one of my guardians was raping me in my sleep. I don’t know how, but my perception of this was extremely woozy for a good chunk of the dream and I was only peripherally aware of it, like I was drugged or asleep in my dream. Slowly, the dream progressed and I figured out it but the me in the dream really couldn’t cope with it or confront it so it continued while that “me” slowly just was driven insane. slowly, slowly, day by day, the me in that dream just broke apart while the rape continued. Sometimes it was a woman. Sometimes I was slightly aware I was being filmed. I didn’t feel any sexual pleasure or much sensation at all except a dull uneasiness. I was just aware that when I was asleep in the dream, someone would disrobe me and go at it. i can’t even fathom where the hell my brain thought this up. It progressed like a memory, no settings or people were unrealistic. There was a part where I went to school and panicked knowing I had to go home and deal with that and broke down alone in the hallway. I think it’s best I don’t dote on it but it’s still just…really terrible. thankfully it was just a dream.

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