So, in my dream last night, my dream-self recollected an extremely detailed experience of a time I was raped. I have never been raped. Or, at least I hope not. When I woke up (2am) I sat up and I tried to remember if what my dream-self just remembered actually happened. It felt so realistic, I remember everything she (I) described and I felt sick to my stomach when I woke up.

Ever since I was little, I have had a “habit” of repressing memories. Apparently my brother had terminal cancer. Apparently my stepdad was abusive. Apparently he drove himself and my stepsister into a lake. Apparently I actually had a stepdad. Apparently my biological parents were separated for a good chunk of my childhood. None of which I remember. Is it possible I was raped? Eh, probably not. I imagine repressing a rape experience would be extremely hard.

I’ve had pretty intensive therapy sessions since I was 10/11, around the time my dream-self said I was raped. The therapy sessions are where I learnt about my parents’ split, my stepdad and my brother’s illness, as well as a few other things I’d rather not mention here. I’m at the point where I’m afraid that my subconscious is trying to tell me something. This isn’t the first time I’ve had this “dream”, but I sincerely hope it is the last. In my previous dreams it’s just been my dream-self vividly remembering being forced down.

I’ve been having these dreams for just over two years, I still go to therapy and I’m going to ask her about it when I go for my next visit. She knows I’ve had these dreams in the past. Wanna know something weird? I’ve never actually spoken a word to my therapist, I write everything down before the session and type other things to her over Skype while we’re in the same room. I’ve done this since I started (again, apparently) and my only explanation is that I was always taught to never talk to strangers? Except at this point she isn’t even a stranger. Recently, every time I go I tell myself I’ll actually talk to her this time, but I never do it. I’m afraid that the reason for this is also something my subconscious is repressing.

God, I’m so fricked up in the head. It feels good to get this out before my session on Friday, thanks to anyone who read this. 🙂

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