With mother at wits end and defeated about my m*********** addiction to her when I was 16, she established some rules. Since understandably she was very disturbed that a neighbor had seen me peeping through mother’s bedroom windows and m*********** from the back yard, she said that she was reluctantly willing to compromise because she needed me to stop such awful behavior. So she offered what she could bring herself to as a solution. She said there were some absolutws. That I always respect a closed door, that she would longer lock them. That she would leave the bathroom door open when bathing so that I could look if I had the urge. That she would leave her bedroom door open most of the time but again I must respect a closed door. She even said that if it would help me stop acting in such horrible disrespectful invasive ways that she would allow events that did not have to be limited to her bathing. That if i would respect a closed door then she would be willing to accept occasional other situations. Her final rule was that even if her bedroom door was open that I must never enter her bedroom ever again. That she needed to have her own space and privacy. It was a long and painful conversation for us both because she loved me dearly and wanted to help me break my compulsive behavior and try to help break my fixation on her with my self abuse and perversions and deviant behavior. And I was dealing with very real and deserved shame that I was doing this at all as well as seeing the trauma it was putting her through. It is so hard to still have these awful memories and guilt all these years later but I am trying to use this as a way to get it out of my system.
