I dont know what it is. You are in love with me, a shared a bond that was pretty deep at a pivot point in your life, and you know in your would what kind of man I am for real, really, I dont believe youll ever find someone like me, my combination and that is a big negative, you know it, and you took that all those years ago and purposely destroyed it. Just destroyed it. Complete disregard of me, or my life or what you did to it, you left me destroyed and then you continued to step on it, and I made my mistakes, I know between you and me I was fucked up at the time. I tried though. I really tried because I loved you and I still hung on for that reason. LOVED. When I think about it, after everything start until 2012 when I made the choice to give it up, it was hopeless to me. I messed up during, made myself worse, absolutely ruined what you thought of me trying to get you back if that was even possible, but I felt like such a worthless piece of shit to you up until 2012. Thats fine. Thats my fault, and it was a pathetic display, I made the wrong choice hanging on. But I did. I often think about that time, and I believe to you, if I had just died on the road, or whatever, because I really almost did a few times, that would have been a good thing to you. Maybe not good, but a relief. Probably because of everything, but still. I think about that, and you know it doesnt really hurt so much now, but it makes me feel worthless. So whatever. ^^^ this was a long time ago, I have not said 1 word to you in any way since since spring of 2012. I never will again either, that would be like going back to a really bad addiction. Seriously. Thats cigarettes and alcohol. Very, very painful time in my life in many ways. I can't even believe it to this day, but whatever. This isn’t a sob story this is over and done with this is just a build up. That’s life sometimes.
So I suck it up, and let it go. It was hopeless and I tried I could not go on. That was it, and I truly knew it, and I had 2 choices. Not that I honestly considered suicide, im too tough, nothing kills me but death, and Ill try to beat that mother fucker, I disregarded my own life but I wasnt suicidal, but I could kill myself, or just face the facts and get on with my life, try something knew and keep my mind busy. Suck it up. Thats exactly my what I did.
But right from the start, while I was trying to get on with my life, basically alone, I did all this shit and carried it myself, completely, youre out there badly sabotaging and poisoning anything you can get your hands on, in my mind it looks like you are literally dancing around me, breaking shit, and staying completely out of sight? It's scary actually. Especially where there is no limit, time doesnt do a god damn thing obviously, I havent said a direct word to her in any way, not one word since spring 2012. Its dead. I can not get past certain issues. But its not like I ever intentionally try to cause problems and its not about these last people, we never liked each other, but thats the problem this was my job you're fucking with for whatever reason. Im not there to make buddies, I am tolerant but its pretty easy to use shit like sex and lies, to make my life miserable with a bunch of immature kid especially if I cant see where it comes from.
So yeah. No matter what you do, it is disturbing and I just wish I understood. Are you trying to recapture some bad drama? Are you that bored with your life, you need a shot of that again, because in all honestly, I'm not fighting for anything. You try for maximum effect, you cant just go find a guy, you need to get with a guy who doesn't like me and I dont like? Are you trying to get emotion to see if I care? I dont. What it's about to me is how crazy it is that you go to that extent to get to me that way. Its actually scary. Its like fatal attraction. Right now, since I met you, with life, I am just trying to cope with life reality. I have had to swallow some bitter pills, theres no love on my part, I dont give a shit about those kids, I didn't even like the people I worked with then its just all a bit disturbing especially after everything already