I regret not doing so many things in my 16 years of living, but honestly the one i regret the most, is being born. I know that life is hard and it’s ones choice to get through it or give up; but honestly, when the people around you actually love and care about you, its hard to give up. I just want to aim for a goal and get it over with. Soon i’ll be graduating but i genuinly have no plan. I lie to myself about what university i want to go to study and what job i aim for after that, but i actually don’t see myself doing any of those things. I only say these things so i seem like i got my s*** together. Because my family and friends want me to have my s*** together. Because if i don’t, they’ll be alarmed and worried and think im planing something else other than living. I know deep down i hope i’ll just die in an accident, so i don’t have to feel forced to do it myself too early out of pure exhaustion. But it’s so f****** hard to keep going; knowing i don’t want to, knowing im faking it, knowing my most likely cause of death will be myself. I’m tired of pretending i don’t all this to end, but what else am i going to do if not keep going? I know they want me to keep going, i know im lucky to have such a loving family and friends. Even after i f*** up so many times, they’re still there. I love them, and i feel safe with them because of that. But sometimes a certain type of human instinctive greed takes in and ruins everything. being human can be so wonderfull and such an amazing experience, but it can also be so tiresome and hatefull. I don’t want to be a hatefull person, and i wonder if it’s me or just my human nature. We’re all human, we share human emotions. Whenever I feel like i’m faking it, i feel like everyone around me is faking it too. Faking being ready to keep going, or being happy to be alive. It’s actually reasuring to think that they’re all secretly in suffering in their own way, and i guess i’ll never know. Being human in this practically human world is a wild experience already, but having to get through it is genuinly a f****** WILD experience.