my experience of love and mutual psychotic abuse: so basically, in middle school we rode the bus to school together & he was pretty much the angsty preteen devil of a kid, the bad boy type and i think bc i would be as much of an a****** as he was right back at him, he sorta took me under his wing and became my best friend. our whole friendship we were like a hero worship/mutual hatred/solace kind of thing. i was like his protégé which became even more a thing in later years. he is kinda toxic tbh and he was a fucked up kid. but i still loved him. anyways in high school we began to trade music & make playlists for each other & he would be nicer to me and cuddle w me on the bus & s*** until i moved. i think he felt bad for being an a****** tbh and we grew really close. we had two years of french together and he would always come sit on the floor by my desk and play with my hair and cute s*** like that when i was working but we never exhibited signs of actually wanting to date or anything. a lot of ppl knew i had a thing for him but apparently he didn’t know. he was going thru depression & a lot of mental illness stuff and i was one of the few ppl that he knew the longest who didn’t hang around him for drugs or to party. i was just kinda there, ya know? but he was a year above me, so we knew we wouldn’t have a lot of time together left and my parents didn’t like him. i gave him my ig when i had it downloaded and then ghosted him bc a lot of stuff had happened and i didn’t know if it was really wise to be that close to him tbh. but in november of last year, i messaged him to check in and we started talking again. he seemed better and we connected and got really close again. he later told me i was like life support for him, and he was really happy i’d messaged him. soon enough tho he and i started to get too close and i worried my feelings would show so i almost ghosted him again lmao but a lot of stuff happened in my life and he sorta became my lifr support. he called me one day and asked if i wanted to hang out and smoke but i ended up saying no bc i had other plans. later on he told me he was gonna try to f*** me had i gone with him that day. things progressed and we ended up getting s*****. he told me that he’d always seen me as a sort of lover, sort of protégé, sort of soundboard for s***** days when he just needed someone to hear him. i sent him nudes and he is this really dark humor kind of demon guy so he of course started acting like a wolf and said i looked tasty lmao anyways. we had known each other for 6+ years and now i was, in our words, his “personal w**** princess”. but he started to get really bad again. like when i say that i don’t just mean depressed. we were both depressed fkr several years. he gets psychotic and hatred just rolls off him in waves. i used to be the only one he could talk to when he was like that because other ppl would just drop him. i always thought i could stick by him and he would get better. but he got worse and started to scare me. i knew he wouldn’t hurt me on purpose but we had this running joke that whenever he ended up destroying the world, i would either be the first kill of mercy or i’d be his demon queen when he razed the rest of the world. see how fucked up we were? i hope you don’t think im an awful person for this lmao. i ended up deleting ig off my phone and blocking him but i still think ab him every day and i check the obituary every week bc i fear he’ll kill himself tbh. thats not just a casual thing tho, i know he has been suicidal for most of our relationship and he just has okay days sometimes. but as much as i love him i know how much his influence on me has damaged a lot of me. idk. sorry for the long message. hope u can sorta understand me lmao

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