To “I was 15 raped by two adults”
Wow, your experiences so well mirror normal causes and effects.
And it stands to reason that it (seems/sounds so surprising to you) that you so enjoyed sincere and invited s***** contact.
It is also SO VERY NORMAL that you seemingly balked at the idea of giving oral to this same, decent lover (because of your own earlier experiences).
IF first you recognize your complete NORMALCY, then you will be able to seek a therapist who could assist you in getting beyond the mental barriers which you understandably have in place.
It really IS OK to be “you”, as a function of all of these experiences, and it is FAR MORE NORMAL than you might yet understand.
(* I was gonna write some random and dumb thing at this visit to SimplyConfess, but I saw your post and immediately replied)
* to some surprise, the random and dumb thing was TO BE DETERMINED, so I don’t presently know what everyone missed in order for you to see this sincere response
