I understand that I’ll likely never hear from D again, things got really weird between us and it feels like he wants to move on. But the cold truth is that we haven’t really been friends, I totally failed on bonding with people in the first 35 years of my life, due to different reasons overlapping my life struggles. This is exactly why I got away with a lot of stuff connected with radical reinventing of the self, because no one cared. Even family, bonded with them only in recent years, past 2018. I think I met some people who really care, this year, 2021, and this is the sign of tides turning – I’m not going to spend the rest of my life completely alone, that’s for sure. Imaginary friends is a good exercise too, since then I kinda freed up space or rather created circumstances for friendships to arrive. Likely the same could work with a partner, it’s been a while since I was partnered. It looks like I’m on a journey, just like anyone else I guess, on the journey towards authenticity and many other things, and given how much I learn and try new things – this year, the first year of true freedom – I’m not the same person as I was even last year already, this is why, exactly why, I separate myself and æææ. And it’s really, really hard to change drastically. When I first reinvented myself I changed only labels, the superficial appearance, but not who I am on the inside. Right now I still feel the jet lag. It might disappear with time, hopefully, and it’s completely justifiable – I experienced so much and changed so radically, it really feels like I’ve been living a third lifetime in the row already. I can’t talk about nearly all things from the past with anyone – since I already can’t believe myself I was this or that. It feels ridiculous. Maybe because I was actually living one huge massive lie before, or two lies, and when these lies were operated away almost with surgical precision – I’m to discover who I really am. Now I’m free, in all ways possible – since I am free, finally free. and all this fog from the past is just jet lag.
Yeah… others couldn’t process the changes and frankly didn’t care that much. I don’t think he’s able to and/or that he cares enough. I gotta accept it too and move in, stop focusing on the past.
And I completely took advantage of the situation when people just can’t process things and/or think purely in labels, superficially. And/or not caring enough.
With cultural stuff though… I don’t think I’m able to hit the same sweet spot twice in culture, I don’t have enough motivation to continue on releasing albums, EPs and so on. I like collaborating though, particularly on compilations – it feeds the egos of the artists, it gives me the opportunity to release my stuff (in a way the whole thing came full circle) + data patterns. I feel like self-censoring most of the time when I talk about music though. Maybe the best way is keeping some of it, like compilations, on a back burner, but focus on what I do now – stats, in future data science and machine learning hopefully… AI and stuff.
I am a living proof of how malleable could people really be. English wasn’t even my first language, for starters, and there are many other things I’m just not going to tell about anymore due to these things becoming just obsolete.
It actually feels like there’s a lot of space for new and better stuff right now. I’m studying and letting the projects run it’s course by working on them but there’s a lot of space and freedom now. It feels like escaping the prison first time, one can go anywhere one likes really. I’m actually starved for love, gotta admit it… and it looks like it’s similar with when exiting a hunger strike, a couple of spoons of oatmeal for starters and not a steak obviously. I just hope that right now I’m healing finally. And getting more capacity for love.
