• 12 months ago

I have a friend who has been in my life for a few years now. The past few months we started to getting closer and it’s been really nice. Our relationship has been more “hands on” I guess but in a sweet way. We were on a group trip a few weeks ago and he was upset about some things that were happening but we got closer then ever to the point where it was clear to our friends that something was happening with us. After the trip he pulled away from me and almost avoided me for a while. We are friends first and for most so he couldn’t completely ignore me, but he tried for a bit. I realized shortly after that he has had a thing with another friend of ours who I also love. He never told me this and based off of the timing of everything, it seems like he was leading me on when he was just going to choose the other girl. I loved him before all this happened so it’s not like that’s new but I think I started falling for him within this time frame. We both tried to pretend like nothing happened but then our friends started to ask me what was up. I finally confronted him yesterday (over text because he won’t communicate with me enough in person at the time) and I told him I wanted the truth and I just wanted to go back to normal. I’m starting to think I was lying to myself, but he has been such an important part of my life that I don’t want to loose our relationship over something stupid. He apologized and told me he regretted his actions and told me he can’t be in a romantic relationship with me. I know that in the bigger picture, this might be the best for our relationship but if I can’t let go of this feeling then I’m really not sure. I can’t help but wonder why he let this go on for so long. I want to know the timing and why he even bothered with me. If this was any other boy it would be easier to say fuck you and just move on. But we are friends and we both agreed to stay that way so its more difficult to move on because he’s still in my life. I do truly love and respect him so I dont want to cut him out of my life because of something that ultimately probably doesn’t matter. I dont know how to move on and make things feel like they used to before all of this happened. Maybe if I just fake it for long enough it will become natural? That’s all I have for now. I dont want to talk to my friends about it because we have the same friends and I know it will get around that I’m not over it. I just want to be over it. I know time is supposed to heal but I don’t know about this. I’m graduating soon and although we are basically the same age he’s still a grade younger than me. We are going to be far away and I dont want to leave secretly feeling heartbroken. He means the world to me, even before all of this, and I dont know what I am to him. He says he loves me and wants to remain close friends and I think that’s what i also want. That would be ideal if that’s really what my heart wants. I dont know if he’s telling the truth. He’s not one to lie (I’ve known him long enough, I think that’s still true) I don’t know what to do. We’ve already talked about it, I just want to go back to normal. Why can’t my heart just STOP DOING THIS TO ME. I dont want to feel like this anymore. I just want to be happy like we used to be. I dont want to feel so hurt everytime I look at him. I want to look at him and instantly feel grateful that he’s in my life like I used to. I don’t want to break off this relationship because of something so insignificant. I want to be better than this. I want to be the bigger person. Why can’t I just do that? I want time to fix us but we dont have much time together. I want to just appreciate what I have without feeling crushed everytime I come in contact with him. I want him to be happy. I want him to chase anything and everything that makes him happy. This girl, who has also been my friend, might be what makes him happy. But she is also leaving soon. I think he’s scared of commitment, because a lot of people in his life are leaving in a few months. I don’t know what he’s doing and I wish he would talk to me about what he is actually think and what he wants. But he doesn’t. He doesnt talk to anyone. Not even his best friend. Not about the important things anyway. He doesn’t talk about his feelings or fears, but he doesn’t always have to. I know things here and there, and I wish he would just talk to me. He seems very put together and organized but that’s all in the forefront. He has admitted that he’s not as perfect as he seems and I know that’s true. He struggles with anxiety (but doesn’t have the words to explain that) he’s scared of admitting when he might have a problem so he just shuts them away and goes running. I know it seems like he’s coping well but he struggles to admit when somethings wrong because he has to be perfect. He sets expectations for himself and when he messes up he retreats into himself and just makes greater expectations. You can pinpoint what’s bothering him depending on how he carries himself and how he structures his sentences. He’s not perfect. He doesn’t have to be perfect. I wish he would understand that you dont have to be perfect. He’s proven to me time and time again that he’s not perfect. I dont show off to him or tease him about his imperfections because that’s what makes him him. People don’t always see that though. When people can’t look further to see imperfections it just allows him to build his wall up higher. I validates how he copes and lets him think that that’s what he needs to keep doing. We dont ever talk about this, its just what I’ve observed. I dont want this to hurt him. I want him to have the power to be vulnerable, because if he never gets that then one day he’s going to fall off of his wall and nobody is going to be expecting it. I hope that in the future he’s able to break down his wall and just walk with ease. I want him to be happy. The night we got close, he nearly cried after a simple hug I gave him. Before we were interrupted and he put up his wall again. I’m not saying that I’m amazing or am the only one that can be there for him but I dont want the reason he pushed me away to be because of this. I want him to be okay with letting down his guard sometimes. Maybe he’s afraid of getting hurt. Who isn’t? I’m afraid. But I think it’s a little too late for me. I love too hard. I care waaay to much, and I get hurt as a result. I want to be happy and enjoy everything I have. I just wish my friend would do that too. I dont want to push myself away from him because I care about him and still want him to trust me. I want him to still have a safe outlet. I dont think that needs to be a romantic outlet. I still love him and want to be there for him. It’s not like we were dating. So this situation shouldn’t be hard. He’s acting like it’s not a big deal, and I know it isn’t. I just dont want him to feel weird around me. I hope time heals fast. I want to stop feeling hurt. How do you do that? I feel betrayed in a way or at least lied to I guess? I dont know whAt happened or why it happened but I want to forget about it. I’m tired. Loving is hard. I want us both to coexist and still be comfortable and happy. When does that happen?