This is very long and confused. Sorry in advance. When I was born it was to a woman who didn’t want a son and a man who didn’t want kids. She never liked me but he did. When I was 5 the woman decided to put me on a “medication” that made me loose 20 lbs in a week for “anxiety.” Dad found out, fought with her, and I never took it again but I did get in trouble for telling him. When I was 6 I was with her at a theme park. I got grabbed by a lady but I got away before she could do anything major. She did tell me that if anyone found out everyone I loved would die. When I found my “mom” I got in trouble for wandering off. She was never outwardly hateful, there was always the false exterior of a harsh but caring woman when in reality she just wanted to look like a good mother and didn’t care about me. There were two more attempts to lure me away by a circus clown and a man with “dogs in his van,” the second of which I told her about but she didn’t seem concerned. She isn’t really the source of my depression though. Anxiety maybe, but I won’t give her too much credit, overall both parents have been pretty background parts of my life. I’ve always been ahead of the curve s*******. I masturbated by 8 and had s** by 13. I’d also thought of suicide by 11 and tried it by 13 a week before I had s** with my girlfriend on our first night being together. It lasted 2 and a half months. She’d been with the boyfriend she told me she’d broken up with the whole time. It wouldn’t have pissed me off so much if she hadn’t treated me like s*** and manipulated me into thinking I was a bad person and that I was lucky to have her. I have never missed her and my only regret is not telling her boyfriend but it’s too late now. Ever since I had tried to kill myself, I made a whole hearted effort to get better: work out, eat healthy, tell myself positive things, etc. the breakup hit me differently than I expected. I did everything more aggressively and I started going to parties more with people who were older than me and probably not the types I should have been around. I drank and got high a lot and they thought it was funny that the middle schooler was a heavyweight. I had a lot of s** too and it’s a miracle I don’t have herpes or a child. By 14, though in the summer between my 7th and 8th grade years I did something incredibly stupid and spent 3 weeks straight partying. I don’t think I was sober once and I was usually crossed. From memory there was a day when I fucked 4 separate girls. It all ended when I came on to a girl who wasn’t interested. My drunk self stumbled and she thought I was going to grab her. When it hit me, I left and a couple of days later I tried to kill myself again. I only didn’t because I felt that she deserved an apology. I sent her one and she asked me to meet up at the mall. I did and she said that everything was fine and that she didn’t know me that well but she thought I needed help. We saw a movie together but I didn’t pursue a relationship. I regret that. After that I only went to a few parties and never any that I knew things would get wild. I lost a lot of friends but I don’t really care. There was one I went to that stuck with me. Some of the guys were sitting around a fire telling stories about stuff they did with girls, when it came to this guy Zach (fake name) his story was basically him forcing a girl to f*** in his car. I not so subtly threatened to kill him. I’m y’all but he was taller and more muscular. His friend who was the host helped me out by asking me to help him get more firewood then telling me I should probably leave. A few months later Zach tried to kill me in lifting by basically pushing the bar with 90 lbs onto my chest. I made a plan to kill him after that, not of fear, by that point I was completely suicidal, but because I didn’t want him to do that s*** again and the attempt on my life proved he had no humanity left. I obsessed over it for a year or so but dropped it because I don’t want to be a murderer. Taking this c********** of a story a few steps back, by the end of sophomore year of high school I had recovered a lot of my social energy, though by that point I thought of suicide daily but at least I felt somewhat human again and I had a pretty tight friend group. I’ve been depressed long enough that it seems normal to me. Funny enough that January, my parents got a divorce and I had to pretend to be broken up about it. My dad had always promised to wait until me and my sister graduated high school so he could help with college the first year or so but I guess she couldn’t wait that long. Long story short, he dipped and I can’t really blame him, she isn’t a good person and he had to deal with her longer than I ever will. Anyway, I’d also become friends with one of my friends’s girlfriend and they broke things off around March. I’d tried to help them both but it didn’t work out. I got to be close with her and over time she started talking to me about her problems. I admitted a few of the shallower things in my life until eventually she told me everything. I won’t share it all here out of respect but she had a pretty similar set of problems as I do, including Zach. She talked me out of killing him once I told her basically all of what I just told you. Unfortunately by that point I’d waited too long to ask her out and she had another boyfriend (this was in late May) but I was just happy to be her friend. Things were good until about late June when she told me over text that she wanted me to leave her alone and never talk to her again. After a lot of nagging I found out someone told her that I had told them one of her secrets which I hadn’t. This is the first time im actually telling anyone. Then she blocked me. I don’t know if she made it up or her ex found out or her boyfriend got jealous or what but I cried hard, and I haven’t really cried since I was little. I immediately confronted her ex since they were still ok with each other and I had learned that she told him everything when they were together and he told a few of our friends some of it. He denied it and I couldn’t tell if he was lying so I dropped it after a while. I can’t really tell if it was me or them but I started to drift from the group although by a few months after that, they do things without me and I’m pretty sure I’ve been replaced. I’m cool with her again but it’s strained and I still want to make things right and get the whole truth but I’m afraid it’ll make things bad all over again. On top of that, my ex has made an effort to be a part of my life again. It isn’t the first time she’s tried but I feel like she’s been the only one who ever really cared about me for any reason. I know I’d be an idiot to think she’s changed but we’ve been talking and I’m considering being just friends. If she only wants to use me, she’ll drift, but if she actually cares and is actually sorry for the way she acted, she’ll stay.

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