okay. well, here goes nothing.

All my life, I’ve never really felt much emotion to anything. mostly never felt disgusted or extremely sad over anything. like for instance, i went to a close relative’s funeral. she was always really nice to me and always gave me cool presents and toys to play with when i was young. but standing there in the grass, i couldn’t even muster up a tear. and there’s whenever i watch some horrible video on the internet, (LiveLeak, etc) i’m just not phased in any way.

but my freshman year in high school is where everything changed.

when i was just starting up my classes like any other student that year when i find myself looking around the room to see who else was in my class. first i see the attention seekers, after that i glance over to see some of my friends. i signal to them with a wave and they wave back. but when i finally take another turn is when i see the prettiest girl in the class, (for protection of her identity, she will be named Jenny). I’ve seen her hundreds of times before, when we would hang out in a groups of 3-5 of my friends. me and her knew each other pretty well, and seeing each other again here shouldn’t have been any different.. but then something sparked in me. i had no idea where it came from, but it was almost like… i felt something for her. (God, this is starting to sound like a ripoff of that old zombie love movie called ‘Warm Bodies,(good movie btw) ) from then on, i couldn’t stop thinking about her. i was always kind of the shy type of guy, but this was on a different level. this was more difficult than a confession of love would be. just imagine having a friend all your life, and one day, attempt to tell them that you’ve gained feelings for them. its way harder than it would be for a new girl to move into town and to try to hook up with her. if this were to go wrong, i could lose a close friend of mine. so i decided to keep my love a secret for a while. there was this one occasion where i wrapped my arm around her, but that was when we were watching a movie, so she didn’t notice. but there was one day i found myself with a different look on life for a period of time.

it was just a normal morning like any other, i’m just walking down a locker hall in my school where i found that jenny had just kissed some other guy, and this wasnt just a kiss as friends, this was a kiss as gf and bf. in that moment i just kept on walking. it was like Phil Swift took a look at my heart and said, “That’s a lotta damage!” when i finally found a place to sit down for the rest of the morning, i was shaking. “F***,” i thought to myself ,”Now what the f*** am i gonna do?” the love of my life had just found love for herself. over the course of that year i found myself seeing them to either making out in the hallway, or even holding hands where ever they went together. i even had nights where i seriously cried myself to sleep since i couldn’t bear it anymore. they even posted an image of them two together on jenny’s insta. when summer finally arrived, i couldn’t help but think of the things they could have been doing together outside of school. but something weird happened instead. the picture i had mentioned earlier was deleted. there was nothing inappropriate in the picture so i figured out that jenny actually deleted it herself. “Holy s***!” was my very first thought. then my second was, “Did they… Did they break up?!?!”

and so sophomore year began. when i saw jenny again, she wasn’t with the guy. when the classes began, and some classes they had the same one, they didnt sit next to each other. and mostly, on the first day, at my school, your allowed to sit where you want until a seating chart is established. i was curious as to what happened over the summer, i assumed that they broke up but i had to be certain. literally only yesterday i found out from someone else asking her randomly at lunch that if she was single now, and jenny said yes. now at this point, my heart was taped back together with some FlexTape and now i’m feeling awesome. i just need to take this slow now. nothing to abrupt, or she might just reject me.

i dont know if Jenny ever goes on this site and actually reads any of the posts, but if she does… i think this is a nice way for her to find out about my feelings for her.

So ‘Jenny’, if you’re reading this… I love you. i love you more than he ever could. i can do nothing now but wait to see if you feel the same for me.

Love,
J

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