• 6 years ago
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My life had never been easy, I have been insulted, mocked, ridiculed for years. Which made my struggle with selective mutism worse every day and my parents did help. When I opened my heart, I only found rejection. One day I met someone and with their help I realized how I had always cursed my lot in life, how I felt cheated by the hand fate had dealt me and how the rage that burned inside was eating away my spirit. It seemed huge and insatiable.

Nine years ago, someone who I thought was my friend kissed me. Just so he could figure out if was he was gay or not. He didn’t care how I’d feel or how it will affect me and like my selective mutism which I have been struggling with my s******** for years. I did everything to hide that fact from everyone including those closest to me, especially my homophobic father.

One night someone I trust opened my eyes, I then looked at the limitless sky’s above and had a revelation. I saw how small I was in comparison the world around me was infinite. Filled with more wonders that I could ever imagine and through the clouds, golden rays of sunlight shone down on me. Like a gentle shower washing away the darkness. It warmed my soul and I have never felt more at peace.

This was the first time I’d experienced true joy. At last I was thankful for the gift of life I’d been given. But at the end of this journey, what I found still eluded me. All I wanted to be happy, to let go of the pain and free myself from the darkness. I felt like I’m not meant to have anything good in my life. That I’m meant to be alone and misunderstood for my whole life. To live in darkness and envy those who lives in the light.

It wasn’t soon after I realized that I started to have feelings for that person, who found out how feel I felt and told me that they didn’t feel the same way about me. How did I move on from the pain? How did I cope? I thought that I moved on from it, but watching that person one night with someone else in the club. Brought back all the pain that I thought I had let go of. But now I feel more hollowed out inside than ever before.

At first I started to ask myself questions: Did he feel sorry for me? Was I his charity case? Is that why he shown any interest in me? I also thought that he were just toying with me until something better came along and I wouldn’t mind because I was lucky someone wanted me at all. Do you know what really s**** about falling for a guy, you know you’re not right for? You fall in love anyway because you think/hope that things will turn out differently.

For the past few months, I came out to a few of my family members (my little brother and two of my cousins) and a few friends. I have decided to identify as queer, because I have really sure about my feelings towards women especially since I have never been in a relationship before. I have been reading other people’s coming out stories, watching movies like “Prayers for Bobby”, “Call Me By Your Name”, “Love, Simon” and Keiynan Lonsdale’s song “Kiss The Boy” for any kind of guidance to help me in my journey in life and to give me the courage to come out has a proud queer man to my friends, family and the world.

I know that life from now onwards will not be easy and I will only be faced with more hardships, but I have is hope – the hope that my friends and family will love and support me on my journey as I continue to find both acceptance and myself in the world, and I hope others will do the same…
…Embrace who you are, all of who you are and you will be free. Because freedom is power. ☮️?️‍?? #lgbtpride #gaylife #bipride #queer #loveislove #beyou

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