I’m 21 and haven’t had s**, ever. I’ve have had a couple of changes, but I’ve couldn’t bring my self to do it. I just respect women too much…
It’s not really that. I was once cheated on by a girl I loved so much. I did so much for her, I was pretty poor so had to work my b*** off. And I didn’t know… well, I started having this weird vibe about her, but I didn’t want to believe it. And then one morning she just dumped me with text message without any reason.
“It’s not you it’s me”.
I legit vent to shock and couldn’t eat for a couple of days. All the things I did for her.. Then I finally shook myself out of it and promised to myself that I wouldn’t cry after anyone, except my parents, or anything anymore. And that was the biggest mistake of my life. I started to fill up with hate. Slowly I lost interest in things, mostly people. And It was hard to find enjoyment in anything anymore. I was angry all the time. I hated everything that gave me the change, work, school, teachers, even my friends. I always made excuses why a certain thing was b******* or stupid. People were just mass for me, nothing.
Why should I be interested in someones else life? But then one day I fell in love with this one girl, it was weird to me because we had been friends for a long time and I had had no feelings for her. And she was (had been)lesbian, which made it even weirder. It just happened so fast and boom we were together. Was I happy? At first yes, but then it started to feel more like a burden on my shoulders, and there was no reason for it. It just felt like one extra thing “job” in my life, even tho I had loved her at the beginning. I couldn’t take it anymore and ended up dumping her. Don’t worry I did it like a real man because I’m not a p**** like my earlier girlfriend. Yet I still have this feeling that she hates me. We haven’t talked since.
While we were together I was kinda enjoying my life once again, before the burden part. After we broke up, I went straight back to hating everything, I think that I hated things even more than before. First I reasoned to myself that this is life, sometimes things just don’t work out. Those were my only thoughts about our break up.
And of course, it happened again, tho this time she dumped me. But get this when she did I felt nothing, absolutely nothing. I just said okay that’s that then, see ya, this is how life rolls. I was as hard as a rock, and it felt awesome. I felt nothing. But in reality, it was toxic. I didn’t even hate anymore, I just couldn’t care. Not hanging with anyone, just doing my stuff and spending my evenings at home feeling nothing. Life started to get kinda boring and I started to get these thoughts why am I even alive. I started to think about killing myself just because I had no interest in anything really, expect pursuing mine career. But it just felt it wasn’t enough.
But then the miracle happened, one night I was at a bar with my “friends” because they had basically forced me to come. They couldn’t get anyone else to come with them. But now I’m so happy that I went with them. So when we were leaving the bar I found out that one of the girls had had a couple of drinks and she couldn’t drive anymore. And I was the only one able to take her over for the night. I kinda fell for her while we walked to my home, and I don’t (again) know why. We slept until morning and then she left. But it left this weird feeling inside me.
She is not interested in me, and even if she was I don’t want anything because I’ll be moving soon. But this feeling, when I love someone and they barely texts me back woke something inside me. First I was sad that she wasn’t interested in me, but then I started to hate myself for leaving my second girlfriend and not even being sad about it. I even had a couple of thoughts that could I get her back. Of course, I didn’t act on them, I’m a gentleman after all.
And now some time has passed and I’m starting to feel “normal” again. I don’t hate things so much anymore, and I’ve even prayed a couple of times, even tho I’m not even a religious person. It just feels so good to feel again. I can’t say that I’m fully “normal”, but it is getting better. I will be forever grateful for that one girl who didn’t show any interest in me. She will never know it, but I think she saved me, by not doing anything.
So thank you, it really means a lot to me. I’ve decided to be a better person because of you. I still have this creeping thought in my head that I should make a move on you, to find out are you interested in me, or just being friendly. It’s the only way to find out after all. But me moving would make the things harder. But hey you can’t know if you don’t find out, and I’m pretty sure I’ve done enough mistakes that I can take your no. And it will be awesome either way because I can feel again.
