I don’t want to connect with people because I only know bad treatment. I don’t want to have sex because I only know porn and varying levels of degradation and abuse. I’m constantly reminded of it all. My total bad experiences must be 1000 or so. Now I’m at a point where I spite people right off and I don’t want to do anything that results in a tangible reward. I carry weapons on walks on public streets. I talk about it all openly with my family but they just deny it which makes everything worse. I’m still carrying on but it’s getting to a point where I’m going to be a mass shooter and I won’t realize it until it’s too late.
