• 7 months ago

A realistic overview of my third interview and general snapshot of life

(just gotta get this off and have the courage to look life in the eyes if I want to reach my goals)

So interview first

1. It was bad. The nerves got the best of me. It was not ME.
2. I don’t want to do 1:1 work, why is everyone pushing me to do that? See 1. Nerves got the best of me. I want to facilitate and lead groups.
3. I should have prepared but because of my general rigmarole in my home life (can this ever end? EVER. Can I ever get a moment’s solitude where I can get on with my own stuff? It’s pure idiocy to this point.)
4. I tried to take a different approach but it’s 2020, and hindsight is 20/20 and I should have prepared. I was comfortable and relaxed and slightly confident which is one end of the scale but it has be balanced with knowledge and theory which I didn’t do enough of.
5. I would rather work in that organisation, than have no job at all. This is ideal. Why? Because small independent businesses are the shittest places to work in. I prefer big organisations with clear structure and aims.
6. If I look at it positively, I showed up. And that is the best. I am ambivalent whether I get it or not. The pay is not enough for me but I would still be grateful if I do get it because it means I still work in the organisation that I was made to leave twice. In the words of Sheryl Sandberg, “don’t leave until you leave.” Don’t leave until you are willing and ready to leave consciously. So, practice makes perfect. Another notch in my belt to perfect my aim. Getting what you really want, than the “get by” option.
7. If I did get it, by this time it would be pure luck, then my performance would improve within a fortnight. A guarantee. Because I am back in the organisation and industry that is in my bones. I’m not doing manual shit but actually using my intellectual and creative faculties and my bloody education.
8. I should have been more honest: To discuss the pay (I want the full scale or nothing at all), how I’ve been bobbing around this country for a few months living with lunatics, what you’re seeing is not the best of me and if I do get this it would mean the moon to me and more. I said this before: I’m a much better person when I’m working and earning my own money and I have my own space. It’s who I am. Nothing can change that.
9. I missed Friday prayer.
10. Am I being too hard on myself? According to most, probably. But I. want. more. And I expect more from myself, better from myself because I can do better and my standards are exceptionally high. Most people are happy being 2, 3, or 4. I can’t. I am happy as 1. And I’m probably gunna get more stick for this. It is a man’s world after all, and if you don’t fit the definition of what a man thinks a woman should be, well – it’s only praiseworthy to a cohort of men who appreciate women like that.
11. I am doing this for the women before me.

General life snapshot

1. I have so so so many loose ends to tie up. Who gives 3 names in one situation? Jesus fucking Christ. Get a grip woman.
2. Lots and lots of knots to tie. Let’s surgically clean this up after today’s idiocy – idiomatically speaking. Sharpen, define, make super super super clear.
3. I’ll do summit ridiculous if I get it. But I can name more better reasons for having this, than working where I was before. Who the fuck speaks to me like that? Nobody. No-fucking-body. Tread with respect you asshole.

Simply Confess