• 2 weeks ago
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My therapist told me to avoid everything that causes me negative emotion. That is impossible. People cause me negative emotion. It’s true, I magnify the bad, and don’t accept the good, though. I need to block comments on YouTube. It’s hard for me to just sit and pay attention to a video, I like to scroll. I almost get a perverse glee when I find a hateful comment, because it makes me angry and I unload some of my darkness onto them. I curse them out. I have a lot of anger and hatred within me. I know tha this tactic will never truly rid me of my shadow self. I think I’m just addicted to the adrenaline. I find happiness and peace kind of boring. I don’t want conflict, though. I find darkness interesting. I find the dark side of life to be more real, more human than the light side, which I suppose is flawed thinking. Getting better is going to be hard. I wonder if I will even recognize myself. My identity for years has been a mentally ill, misanthropic, crushed idealist. I can’t cling to labels, though. I am not a label, neither are you. We exist in moments. We are changeable. We evolve or regress. I will admit I’m scared. I want absolute control. Control is an illusion, though. I can fool myself with my behaviors. I don’t do much. Everything is methodical. Nevertheless, I can’t control the outcomes or others. Admitting that makes me want to cry. I have wasted so much of my life trying to control everything, just so I feel safe. The reality is…I need to be okay with the fact that I am not in control and there is no certainty in life. If you’re religious and would like to help me, please, give a quick prayer for me. I’m spiritually bankrupt, so I could use the help.

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