My friends and family are unaware that I’m incapable of feelings and that I often fake emotions.
When my Dad died earlier this Year I pretended to care by emulating the behavior of my siblings. I didn’t care and felt the wake and funeral were wastes of time and money. If it was up to me I would have donated his body to science so they can use it as research to cure the rare form of cancer he had.
When my girlfriend who for whatever reason affixed herself to me discusses her workday I act like I’m interested, but I’m not. The banality of her job at the book store she manages does not stimulate my mind nor does her sexual favors.
Although I’m physically stimulated by her talent for giving blowjobs, I’m not particularly fond of her as a person beyond the amusement by everyone else’s fascination with her. All I know is my friends think she’s hot and my Sister reminds me over and over again that she’s out of my league and I can tell my older Brother wants to engage in sexual congress with her, but she doesn’t really like him much and refers to him as creepy.
I don’t know why but I have no personal attachments to anyone I know. I more so tolerate them if anything, but I can’t say if I love or care about anyone. I just know that pretend really well. I think I’m mimicking what I believe people will find acceptable.
I am aware that telling the truth about my reasoning to the people I know wouldn’t be a good thing. I figured out as early as a child how to be likable. But if they knew what I really think about the world we live in, they would probably become a problem for me.
I believe mankind is a blight on the universe and we should all be eliminated from Earth’s existence. If I had access to some kind of virus that could create global infertility I would release it to every woman on this planet so humanity can never reproduce offspring again.
A virus to eliminate Earth’s most dangerous virus.
Humans don’t deserve to live. We kill the defenseless through wars, oppress others for the color of their skin or religion and harm animals by slaughter and pollute the land, air and water we consume. We are a virus and we should be eradicated like the cancer that slowly ate my Father.
My girlfriend revealed to me she missed her period and wants to get a home pregnancy test. I don’t really want a child and don’t see the need for one, but I know if I tell her how I feel it will become a thing so I’m already committed to the idea that if she is carrying my child that I will have to pretend for the rest of my life that I love it and care for it.
The way I see it, I might as well do it.
Do I really have a choice?
If I reveal how I really feel then everyone will know that I’m different from everyone else and that could endanger my public standing which I need as my shield for safety…