i don't know how i can be sure that what i feel for him is true love if he is the only man in my eyes i really can't identify anyone else a man . my heart

17 years

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i don’t know how i can be sure that what i feel for him is true love
if he is the only man in my eyes i really can’t identify anyone else a man . my heart skip a beat whenever i see him . i get really nervous and do idiot things whenever he is around . he is the only one made me feel safe . but i can’t shake the feeling that he doesn’t care about me
that he doesn’t spare a moment to think of me . why ? because he is the most handsome guy i’ve ever met , he is cool and i’m nerd , not so style or funny or even half pretty as the girls he knows . my friends tells me that he is in love with me but that is impossible , totally insane . i always get myself in the same trouble , loving who can impossibly love me . always my love is one sided all over the years , always being hurt no matter how defensive i am . why ? no idea maybe I’m sadistic or whatever . but this time is like no other i have never felt safe before , not with anyone in my world , the safer i feel with him , the more scared i get of getting closer to him
my problem is my feeling , i don’t feel the sweet pain in the heart all the time , or warm -hearted , only when he is around i feel it but anyother time i feel like i know that i love not feeling that i love him . no feeling whatsoever maybe sadness of being away from him , or happiness whenever i remember his face , but i don’t stay up late thinking and fantasizing about him , most of the time away i can’t remember his face but his name and everything about him is the only thing in my mind . crazy hah?
i know enough for today

New Confession

So, one time I told my mom that I wanna buy a lollipop, I was 17 that time. My step brother then asked if he could come my mom and I agreed. Me and my step brother let’s just call him Daniel. Daniel the both of went out to buy. We bought a few things lollies and he said he wanted a beer, so I bought one for him. But on the way home walking he asked saying “I have a lollipop why would you buy one?” I looked confused. But I just said I like the strawberry flavored more. he then asked if we could go somewhere for awhile, I agreed cuz’ why not, The house is boring anyway. We went to this secluded area it’s dim but not to dark. No person is walking at that time because it’s night a bit late. We sat down on the bench right beside each other. around probably 5 minutes passed, he took my hand and hovered at top of his “DIH’ it was hard, very hard. my hand is not inside yet. He spoke “you make me this hard everyday.” mind you he was 22 at that time. I sat down still, I didn’t move one bit and just let him do what he wants to. then, he puts my hand inside and helped me stroke his “Dih” I stroked it, he started moaning softly minutes passed like that, he spoke after “Can you s*** for me?” I nodded, because what can I do? I sucked his dih and he exploded on my mouth. I thought it was done and he told me to swallow so I did. after that we didn’t tell mom nor dad it’s our little secret. that was 6 months ago, and now we both sometimes do it when we are alone.

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