• 2 months ago

I wrapped a cord around my neck for the first time ever this morning. The black hole in my chest I felt 15 years ago is back, and it hurts. I am so alone. And it’s not that I’m not loved, but even in those rare moments I’m with friends, I still feel alone. I feel cursed. I feel like Job, but the Devil won the bet. I feel like Prometheus, and every day my heart is ripped out and torn to shreds. Then my heart grows back so for a moment I can feel love and have hope, only to have my heart ripped out again and again. I wish I couldn’t feel anything, because it hurts so much. I have tried so hard to not feel, to let my heart die, and it simply won’t. I would be happy as the Tin Man. Why won’t my heart die? I wrapped a cord around my neck this morning. I don’t know what will happen next.