To my dear,
I don’t know what to write when I start to do so, yet when im feeling an ocean of emotions inside, all boiling up and cooling down and boiling again, clouding my mind with pain and no peace, I feel like I must write it down. For where else can I ever share them? I don’t have anyone to do so.
I want to tell you so many things, I want to shape my emotions into words to show you my feelings, but they are so vast… So wide.. The words are too small.. They are like a tiny marble trying to fit a cat inside itself. Sometimes I want to die but what good does it do? It does ease my pain but you’ll forget me as soon as im over. I want to live that’s why I never try to die. But when I want to, im really tired of living.
You’re not interested in anything serious I know. You’ve told me that many many times. Yet when you told me that again today, I couldn’t keep my tears in. Water is unstoppable, like you. Im no water, I made myself into bricks on the road. None of it is ever your fault, you’ve made it clear you don’t want anything anymore.. It’s just me and me only. I still remember the old times when you called yourself only mine and sometimes I find myself wishing it was still true.
Dear dear, i wish I could let you know what conditions im in.. But you can offer me no consolation. You can’t go against your rules. You don’t have to. Im a nobody for you and even tho it hurts me i’ll let you stay in peace. I guess it’s because i’ve always liked giving myself up to boys. As it turned out none of them were anything more than a jerk. But you’re the best. And the best is never meant to be with me…you know?
Dear dear, I didn’t know you were 25 as you never told me you’re a year older than you told me. I didn’t mind, I know you tend to forget. And so do I. You’re looking for a job, you’re smart, and you’ll get it. And you might even marry, unlike you told me, for your parents, without a pint of sadness for me, I hope you’ll be happy with her and you’ll love her a lot. And she’ll love you back more than I could. Even camus did marry. I don’t mind if you do. Even if it hurts because you always refused me if I tried to tell you about thinking of it. I’ll smile a hundred times seeing her with you, if it matters to you even a little if I cry.
I wish you well. I keep coming back and hoping for things and I do accept things as my fault. Im a nobody and you don’t have to say anything for such a person. Someday ill leave you in peace without being selfish enough to run back and bother you. Even though you always say you love me and I understand your theories. But i’m selfish so it hurts.
Always yours only,
The Nobody in your life.
