• 2 weeks ago

as a child, i found it a little.. weird that someone would hug their hanging clothes in their closet as a substitute for their lack of physical affection from others

but i’m neither an adult, and yet i do it now too

i… understood, because when i tested out myself, it hurt, and i didn’t understand why it hurt, and i just ended up crying into my clothes, tightening my arms around the bundled fabrics

maybe it’s because the clothes aren’t faking the affection because of any ulterior motives?

maybe because the clothes have never emotionally and physically scarred me? or numbed me?

whatever the case, i might start doing it more often, when people aren’t around

our bodies are supposed to be warm, but why do people feel so cold? they’re alive, breathing, heart beating, all that stuff, and yet they still feel so cold

affection, i am touch-starved, i used to hug people all the time, because it made me feel safe, even if the person isn’t someone i usually get along with, they always return the hug, dare i say happily, despite their surprised reactions, but it never did anything to the emptiness, it never drove it away permanently, but now that i haven’t received affection, nor initiated it, i feel scared, i feel scared when someone just hugs me out of nowhere, i’m not, used to it anymore

i used to think i couldn’t live without hugs or physical affection, but now i dread even being touched

it’s been so long, for me to get a proper hug, a hug that makes me feel warm, and safe, and comfy, and it feels like nothing bad can happen, all the hugs i get from others now are fake, they feel so cold, so cold, and it hurts me more

i hope to fill this void, with something meaningful, that could drive away the emptiness longer