• 2 weeks ago

I want to kill myself. As much as I hate the idea and the words I always want to do it. It’s a huge sin and I may not see heaven but I can’t fucking do this sht anymore I feel so weak. And I feel like a bitch bc people have it way harder than me and they deal with it but some people r j weaker than others and I’m weak. This past weak I’ve been punching walls and punching myself. I’ve been hitting my head against things and thinking abt ways to kms. Today I got so upset and frustrated otw home and sped about 100mph on a back road that has a limit of 25 . I wanted something to jump out so that it wouldn’t be my fault if I had to turn my wheel and crash into soemthing. I’m not ready to die bc I haven’t fixed my mistakes but I also am not able to continue. But again everydya I have to. And it’s tiring. I j want to die already. I searched up of self harm was a sin and it is but at least I can repent for it and it’s not a definite thing like suicide. I ended up cutting myself and it burns rlly bad. Yet I rather cut than go and smoke nicotine again bc I won’t lose weight from cutting myself than when I used to smoke and get underweight. I’m j so tired. I don’t want to see anyone, I don’t wanna be around anyone. If anything I’m trying to save money bc I want to get away in the summer. I have a feeling that I need to be alone and I want to j disappear without anyone knowing where I am nor any communication for 3 months. I j wanna feel like everything is on pause. I j want to get away from everything. And I definitely want a break before I end up making another mistake like today but end up dying too.