Hi, I am a 28 year old male. I have been married now for 4 years to a woman I have dated for 3 years. The marriage started a bit rocky but we always seemed to work it out, but for the last year I have been feeling extremely unhappy in my marriage. At first the problem was that I watched porn, so ultimately I stopped and I blamed myself when we had fights , and I submitted, no matter how trivial the fight might have seemed to me. But her behavior didn’t change..it got worse. The amazing girl I fell in love with is gone. Everyone thinks she is this amazing sweet babe, but she is a total bitch and nobody else knows it.
I am doing literally EVERYTHING..from managing all the bills, buying groceries, to making coffee every time and even have to clean the whole house myself when I get back from work (and no, she is not working late hours to bring home some bacon..she arrives at home before me and just falls on the couch). I have attempted to communicate my needs with my wife, but it always causes a fight and I always lose in the fight, but recently she also started getting physically violent. She tries to hit me, and yes she has managed to do so a couple of times, but I block what i can, but I always walk away with scars.
I do not consider myself a wimp so I stood up for myself, and told her next time I will hit back, but that helped nothing. This is not healthy , and I started to consider divorce, but the idea scares me. It is almost impossible for me. Here I am living on her parent`s yard and I am in a city of strangers. I cannot afford my own place and I dont have friends, and work is so damn hard to get by, and I have a very very good job which I do not want to lose. With that said, I never pushed the idea of divorce, until the last big fight. We argued, she hit me, and I opted for divorce but then she broke down in tears, so then I let it go and think it might change.. Guess what? two weeks,then it just went back to how it was.
So inevitably, not feeling worthy enough within my own marriage, I thought it might give me some sort of “worthy” feeling if I have an affair with someone else..the thing is, I dont know ANYBODY. I moved to be with me wife and I left everything and everyone behind. So naturally I resorted to the “online” scene, which I am not familiar with AT ALL. After several attempts on several websites, it became quite clear to me very early on that cheating is much more difficult than I thought. I managed profiles for a week or two and after failing to meet ANYONE online, I felt desperate and useless. But I continued to contact some people though, even though more than 90 percent of them were scammers. I couldnt understand why I am struggling this much..I am not ugly, I am athletic built, tall and I am quite well endowed! So yeah, eventually I came across this 1 blonde..and wow, I was immediately infatuated with her Goddess like body,she was immediately my ultimate fantasy. She had a nude pic and I immediately wanted her physically..she had the most amazing boobs I had ever seen! I think , I might even have been in love..for that moment. I sent her a message to express my interest and she actually responded. But yeah, just as I deserve. It was a flat rejection..I am married, which is a turn off for her. I tried to persuade her, but she was adamant. Fuck me. That shattered me. It felt like the last bit of dignity, self-worthiness which binds my very existence just left my body and left me as this cold, empty, disgusting blob of a shell. I dont know what to do now, I am so terribly lost in my life.