I truly despise being a dark skinned black woman sometimes. It comes with its own set of complications, especially if you’re not like most people.
I’m not black American at least, so I guess life could be worse since they are and will always be at the bottom. My nationality also does carry a few privileges, but a part of me wishes some more effort was put in at least lightening the population in the past like it was for some of my country’s neighbours. Very few people are full black but there are too many ugly dark skinned people! Many of the criminals are dark skinned people. Most of those who live in ghettos who have scores of children are dark skinned people who don’t even want to take advantage of opportunities to better themselves. And yes, we have tonnes of opportunities.
I’ve always been a deeply ambitious person, so a positive of this skin would be the lure of being the first woman of my ilk to accomplish certain goals.
At the same time, a part of me wants to be normal and not stand out. I want to be able to travel to countries on holiday, blend in with the rest of the population, and date without people judging me harshly, thinking I’m poor or underestimating my capabilities. This skin can be such a curse to the point where I sometimes find myself wondering if I must have done something loathsome and psychopathic in a past life.
For example, I am not attracted to full black men or dark skinned men. I tend to prefer my men androgynous, lithe, possessing hair and putting some effort into their appearance. In all my three decades I’ve never met a full black or dark skinned black man who has that aesthetic. I am sure they don’t exist. Pale skin also turns me on and makes me wet. Unfortunately, being no one special in a majority black country does not afford me those luxuries. At one time I thought I was asexual since I spent most of my life s******* attracted to no one.
I hate my best friend for procreating with a dark skinned black man. After years of disappointment, that was the last straw. She fills me with such disgust these days, and I feel we no longer share the same values. I don’t care about her baby and I think she’s stupid for ruining her life like that. Even ghetto people told her to abort it and she still had it anyway. Hence my statement about no longer sharing the same values.
I know she’s a bit airheaded but we did speak about this since we were teenagers until our early 30s, so I thought it would stick. Of course it didn’t, because she’s a f****** idiot. Everyone knows and calls her an idiot, even her own family but I’m the only one who has ever had any faith in her. Joke’s on me. I should have known it would end up here.
Men have the undeniable talent of f****** women’s lives up, so you have to be careful about what kind of men you choose, especially if you’re not economically stable as yet. We spoke about that so much. We spoke about making school and our creative careers a priority, migrating, finding the RIGHT men. We’re women, worse, black women. This has to be transactional. What we do has to benefit us and our offspring. I thought she understood.
Yet, she kept entertaining black men, none of whom took her seriously. One left her with an STD. Four used her. A couple left her life a mess. One who I suspect is married, wouldn’t leave and then when she got pregnant, finally left. In fact, he migrated.
I hate her so much for becoming what I’ve always despised, yet another woman who lets a man ruin her life even though she knows better. Yet another black woman who knows what life will be like and willingly has a black child, just another being to carry the burden of this skin. I loathe her because she wasted my time that I could have spent working on myself alone. No one knows how much schoolwork I did for her back in the day and in university because I found leaving a priority.
I hate this. Asians, mixed race and white people are so lucky sometimes. They don’t have that stupid burden of this skin to deal with and all the ignorance and psychological b******* that comes with it. This is why I work so hard all the time. At this point in my life, I feel that there is nothing else for someone like me to do.
