I am done with everything, and I have been for years. Don’t worry, I am not planning anything harmful towards myself or others, I am just fed up. I am an optimist at heart, and generally have a pretty easy-going personality but this is all too much. I am blessed with a pretty good life, but I feel emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausted and have for the past 9 years. I have my family and my best friend by my side, yet they don’t truly understand me and heck, I don’t even know myself. But they have no f*cking clue what’s going on inside. I feel anxious, uncomfortable, angry, scared, confused, and insecure almost all the time. I am a 20 year old that still lives with her mom because I am in my second year of college and I have only been able to get two horrible jobs in my life. I work my butt off at school and get good grades but I don’t have a life becuase I need to get great grades to get into my highly competitive degree program, I am volunteering, and I have to spend my spare time doing cleaning and applying for scholarships just to pay for my schooling since I can not handle working and schooling at the same time. I simultaneously feel extreme anxiety and disinterest when it comes to school work and scholarships. I do like school, but I find myself having a hard time completing assignments, chores, scholarship applications, family engagements, or much of anything because I am drained on every level. Despite the exhaustion, I keep plugging away at everything just for survivial and to get everyone off my back. I am a individual that perseveres through everything, but this is getting worse. I know that I need help, and I have tried both talking to my loved ones and get professional help, but no one gets it. My family and friend listens to my troubles and pretends to sympathize, yet they turn around and point out every way my feelings are invalid and stupid. But they wonder why I do not come to them with my problems. They think that I am making too much of everything emotion I have, and my therapist gives me the same advice: “Here, use these techniques to deal with your irrational and negative thoughts. And just talk to your family about how they treat you, you’ll get there”. Ok, firstly, you just did the exact same thing as them, and secondly, easier said than done when they lash out at me if I try to kindly and respectively tell them how I feel about their actions towards me. It gets me nowhere.
I am NOT faking any of this despite their claims. There is so much to it that they aren’t willing to listen to. A few years ago I spent an entire summer in my pyjamas with poorly brushed hair and teeth because even getting out of bed was too much to handle. I had been searching for a job for months before the summer rolled around and I could land one interview or get a job. I also gained 25 pounds that summer because my thoughts consumed me and I lost control in many ways, yet no one realized it or cared. I worked me butt off and got on the right track by September of that year, and within 6 months I lost that weight and was back to my slim self. If that massive slip up does not cause some concern in others, then I don’t know what will. It was not to get attention, but it would have been nice to actually be worth it enough for others to f*cking care and help. I am lazy sometimes, but that was not why this happened. That was not me just pushing it off and being lazy, I did not feel the need, desire, or energy to get out of bed. I am not at this point now, but I’m not too far from it. The only reason I wasn’t back there this year was becuase I was working too many hours to even think about breathing, basically.
I am ready to cry at any possible moment, yet I am also numb at the same time. I care too much, yet I couldn’t care less about things at the same time. My mind is in a constant battle between my head, my heart, and my thoughts and I am left none the wiser. The irony of this is that I am working towards getting a Masters degree in psychology with the hope to become a speech therapist, yet I am struggling to control my emotions or talk to others. Great, huh?
I am tired of not being fully accepted, understood, validated, or appreciated. People have called me “stupid”, “overly emotional”, “dramatic”, “lazy”, and “ugly”, and even a “whiny bitch” at one point, all of them from my loved ones, and many other names from my peers or strangers. I know that I am very sensitive, but I am also very logical, so I analyze EVERYTHING thoroughly and constantly test my responses to anything for validity just to see if I am reading too much into anything at any point. When I am, then I address it accordingly, but most times I am decent with it. I monitor myself to make sure I don’t seem “too sad”, “too happy”, or other emotions that no one wants to see from me.
I am tired of never doing anything well-enough for myself or others even though I work myself so hard that I can not physically go anymore just for others and for my future (job, schooling, etc.). People say “No, you need to take care of yourself and stop working yourself so hard. You’ll hurt yourself and it will wear on you. You are perfect, you are doing awesome!” yet those are the same people that scream their heads off at me for “not doing enough” and claim that they are dissapointed in me. I am fucking done.
I am sorry for this. I know it was long, angsty, and highly negative. I will keep trying my best and I will reach out for more professional help, preferably with another therapist. I know that I have a pretty good life, that others have it way worse, and that I will get through this. I always remind myself of these things, but I would like for once to feel peace and to be validated for my feelings and to have guidance in my life. Anyways, thank you for reading. I just needed to get this off my chest.