• 1 year ago

i wanna fucking kill myself. I really do. Ya know? just to… jump off a bridge and end it all. all the pain. the suffering. the abuse. the constant need to be perfect. obviously Im too much of a pussy to actually go through with it and kill myself though. So i just wish that I die a tragic accident. I’ve done so many stupid things and i regret it all. I just want to start over or sleep forever but I cant. I want to grab a blade and cut myself over and over again, harder than ive ever done before until the blood not only starts dripping, but makes a pile on the floor. I want to collapse into the pile of my lost blood and continue to bleed out until I eventually pass out. I want nobody to see it. I want nobody to notice me dying until its too late. Everyday the pain… it just gets worse. Im in a toxic relationship. Yes… Im in a relationship. Kinda. Im “dating” someone named nick. Nick is my half sister’s half brother. hes only half related to her, and im half related to her but me and nick arent related through blood or marriage. its complicated but i assure you we arent related. He came over. Ive never met him before. He slept over and things happened. He came into my room at 1 am and started making out with me slowly. I admit that it wasnt rape. I consented it. I was horny too. It happened. The details dont need to be said. I lost my virginity and I regret it everyday of my life. I’ve smoked, vapes, weed and cigarettes. I regret it. I drank whiskey in school and got suspended for weeks. I regret it. But this is the most ive ever regretted anything in my life. The next day I started throwing up and I felt horrible. Nick left and went back to New Jersey… he asked me out. I said yes. Things have been toxic ever since. We dont talk. He says “i love you” and I quickly change the subject everytime. Its been like this for almost two months. I dont consider him my “boyfriend”…. His “bff” named jordan told his mom we had sex because she didnt want nick to be with me. Shes been calling me names and telling me to kill myself and saying that im the reason for nicks suffering when it was her who told his mom. His mom knows my mom. I started crying to his mom begging her not to tell my mom because my mom would kill me and my half sister would be heart broken about her half brother. I want to break up with nick so fucking bad but im trapped. I hate him. I dont like him but i have to be with him. He told me that if i break up with him he will tell my mom we had sex. He came to visit over christmas break and would take me into the other room in the back of house. my sister and brother always followed…. thank god. He put a blanket over our bodies and while my brother and sister were playing he would tell me not to say anything or he would tell my mom that we had sex. He used it as black mail. He sat there and would touch me and finger me and i would have tears rolling down my face because it hurt but i dont really think that he cared. he said stuff like “you like it.” or “im your boyfriend and i love you. calm down.” I told him to stop but he would only just go slower. Hes back in jersey and isnt coming back for another year. he still messages me and asks why im ignoring him and im doing it because i dont want to anger him or make him sad because he will tell my mom. I just needed to rant.