My 60-year-old mother is in the hospital. We aren’t sure what the issue is, but it involves her brain. It could be something unfortunate but treatable, like multiple sclerosis or some kind of an infection, or it could be a tumor so deep in her brain that it will be prohibitively difficult to remove surgically.
I graduated college when she was 52 and moved away a year later, to a place over 1,000 miles away from where she and my dad live. All I’ve been able to think about since she was admitted and all these intrusive and unpleasant tests on her began (EEGs, MRIs, f****** spinal taps of all things) is that I wish I hadn’t moved. I wish I had stayed at my family home and spent more time with her. So much goddamn time wasted when I could have been making memories with her — talking to her — being with her. We have a very close bond, but it could have been closer. We’re waiting to find out what the issue is exactly, but it could be that my remaining time with her will be much less than I initially thought — or that our relationship won’t be the same from here on out due to a condition, or brain damage, or something else entirely.
She did a battery of tests this morning and now she’s asleep. Before she went to bed, I said, “We’ll talk again soon”. Ever since then, I’ve been thinking — what if that’s the last time I’ll ever have spoken to her? Would I have said something different? Almost certainly. I would have told her how much I loved her and how much she’s meant to me throughout her life. She’s always had such doubts about whether she raised me well or not — I would tell her, as I have many times, that there’s no one who does exist or ever has existed who I would’ve rather been raised by than her and Dad. They instilled in me good moral values and a sense of purpose; they imparted to me their excellent taste in food, wine, art, and culture; they encouraged my passions and let me carve out my own path in life. Mom was always the one who managed to hold things steady in times of crisis. When she’s gone, who will do that instead?
I just got a text from my father. I’m terrified to read it.
Terrified that it will say “she’s gone”.
