I’m not a good person. At all. I help, I do things, but even when I do, I can’t help but believe that I am only doing it to make myself feel better about all the wrong I have done. I have extreme thoughts about something I have done, it won’t go away. I think about it every single day and when I do, I know I’m disturbed, I know I’m fucked up. How do I make it go away? Do I deserve these repetitive thoughts, coming up every time I try to do things I enjoy? This thought comes up just as I was going to do something I love, something that was going to make me happy. I can’t do that, I can’t because I made people hurt and hell, sometimes I liked it because I wasn’t the only one in pain/ I did something terrible when I was ten. I think about it so much, too much. This thought IS me. It’s consumed my mind and it’s all I am. I have confessed about it several different times on sites, and I have never felt better .. not once. I tell people what they have done is ok, I try to make them feel better about their confessions because I know if it were me getting reassured then I could sleep ok at night. At least one night. I hope one day I can rise above what I did and try to be a better person. It’s been so many years and I still can’t stop thinking about it.
