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Obsessive compulsive disorder is normally what I blame all my problems on. It’s the easy excuse. Ever since I was little I was told I was a little weird. I was never normal and I was always special and that my brain worked in different ways to every body else. It got worse as I got older as if it was growing with me just a little faster than I was. Sometimes I wonder if it was always there and me kicking my mum’s stomach was just the demo version of me tapping on corners. So rather than just saying I did something because I was sad because I know people will care less if I tell them I’m just sad. Honestly OCD can be such a bitch sometimes and it can really piss me off. Tbh I’d like it a lot if it just fucked off but at the same time I think I’d miss them. It’s kinda my only real friend. In year 7 I only had one friend and I didn’t really make friend groups. I got a little more confident in year 8 and met some of the best people I know today. In year 9 everything seemed fine at first but towards the end. Everything just drifted. I started feeling more and more lonely. I lost everything and drifted from people like a polar bear on its own little iceberg with nothing but it’s music, dreams and fucking stupid rituals. I think ocd is how I cope with loneliness, it’s either that or I’m bat shit crazy. It might be just I’m really fucking anxious and I can’t talk about it so I have to show it. I live in this little world inside my head where everything isn’t fine but I’m happy anyway and I have friends and i have lovers and no family to deal with and I’m just truly happy and free and everything I want to be. Everything I’m not now I guess. OCD is my way of keeping that world in my mind and keeping me calm and just stopping me from freaking the fuck out because I’m at my fucking limit now. Everything I do pisses me off or makes me sad or just annoys me and I can’t help but hate everybody around me. I don’t feel happy and every laugh is a fake. But the bullshit part is I think everybody expects me to deal with it because I don’t have it the worst and I’m not blonde enough to slit my wrists. I feel like my role is the supporter rather than the supported so everybody expects me to suck it up and deal with all the bullshit which is rather why I’d talk to nobody rather than somebody because I know nobody won’t silently judge me or choose sides. They’re just nobody. I trust nobody.

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