I think about suicide literally every day, I have for years. I was on meds and some of the side effects are almost as bad it seems. The only thing keeping me hanging on is what it would do to my Wife and adult kids (28 & 30). I know they would survive me taking my life, I just don’t want to ruin them. I’m tired of hanging on, tired of fighting and most days don’t even see the point.
It would look like an car accident so they would at least my family would get what little life insurance i do have. I’ve put thought into it, I know the location. I used to drunk drive that mountain road in hopes of going over but failed. I would make it look like i simply lost control and crashed.
At work & home i have either a smile on my face or just a flat, emotionless look so people don’t ask too many questions. I always have an escape answer so if i feel someone is probing and asking more than i’m comfortable with I know from decades of experience how to flip the conversation back to them and get them talking about themselves…and isn’t that what they want to do all along? I don’t mention my issues because I’m not looking for peoples b******* sympathy. the guilt over things I’ve chosen to do as well as what I was forced to do is with me daily.
