What’s so good about me? What does anyone see in me? I’m such a s***** person. Pardon my language, but I’m the worst person in world right now. I hate myself when I get confident, because I feel like I’m a cocky a******. And when I’m not confident, I don’t think I’m good at all. I can’t name a single good thing about myself. My doctor told me that I should say three good things about myself. I’ve tried it so many times and it doesn’t work. I’ve tried telling myself that I’m pretty, that I’m smart and I can’t even think of a third thing. And the ones I do tell myself, I don’t even believe in. And then I feel so privileged to be in the position I’m in. And my problems aren’t anywhere as hard as other people’s. Like why do I deserve parents who love me, friends who care about me? I used to be so positive, but I feel like everything is an act now. I don’t have the confidence to show my “real” self. I hate that I’ve thought about methods of suicide, while my reasons aren’t even good reasons. I go to a good school and I love the people around me. And then I feel guilty for even thinking about methods of suicide and how it would effect them if I would ever go through with it. The fact that I’ve even thought of it, is just wrong on so many levels. I just broke up with my boyfriend because I couldn’t tell him any of this and that I was having major doubts about our relationship. I hate that I’m such a coward. And why should he have to suffer because of me. I wasn’t even able to properly communicate why. He was so polite about it, which makes me feel even worse. Like be mad at me for being such a b*tch. And now I’m the one crying like a little baby, balling MY eyes out. Like what gives me any right to cry. I was the one who broke up with him. GOD I feel like such a spoiled entitled p************. Why was I born? It doesn’t seem like I’m doing any good in the world. I’m just causing pain. I don’t want to call this depression because I don’t think I’m “worthy” of that title. And by worthy I don’t think depression is a good thing, but other people’s cases are much worse and it’s like I’m insulting them with my petty problems. Like I’m just a sad little fake case of depression. And why should anyone care, I’m a small speck of dust. And I don’t want to worry any of my friends so barely anyone knows that I even go through these episode of deep hate and self loathing. And the people that do know, don’t know the extent. Like why should I bother other people with my stupid problems, they don’t need that on their plate. God, I feel so guilty, I hate myself so much. And then I get mad at myself for hating myself. It’s not like I didn’t seriously think breaking up, I thought about it until I understood why I was doubting him and if I would ever get over it. The small doubts I had festered within me and when I thought he was genuine, I would then doubt him. And it would be wrong to continue it, continuing to doubt him. And yet all the same, I hate myself for it. He didn’t deserve any of it. Why am I such a terrible person and why do I hate myself so much? Is this person right now the real me and my happy/tired go lucky person just a persona? I don’t know sometimes. Have I faked it for so long I don’t even realize. Because I’m happy most of the time, except when I get stressed which leads to this self. And when that happens, I just despise myself. I hate all my flaws, is there even a part of me that isn’t flawed? I’ve learned to swallow my feelings, to never let them show. It was always out of guilt, like I don’t deserve to burden other people with my problems. And I hate myself for writing this right now, because I’m telling some strangers all my dumb problems and burdening them. I’m so useless, I’m not worth anything. I don’t deserve to be happy or sad. I wish I could die, but I feel so guilty even saying that, knowing how much it would hurt my parents and some friends. But then I wonder, would it really? But I don’t want to inconvenience anyone with having to clean up after my mess. I wish I could feel nothing. I hate myself for all the privileges I have, I hate myself because I’ve hurt others, I hate myself because I’m not good enough for anything. I’m sorry for ranting. I’m sure no one will read this far anyway, if anyone reads it at all. I won’t kill myself, but I wish I could take everything away and live in nothingness. If someone has read this far, I suppose I should thank you for even taking the time to read this. Sounds so contradictory, but stay healthy and alive.
