i feel like i am slowly and steadily going insane. for the past two years i feel like ive been in a coma. thinking is like wading through syrup. my reflexes are sluggish. i cant remember anything that has happened in the past two years and cant remember much of my childhood. sometime the mental fogginess is so intense and suffocating that i find it difficult to hear, cant string sentences together, or can hardly understand basic concepts or what other people are saying. i used to be regarded as one of the most intelligent girls in my school, and now im frequently called stupid or dense. my mom thinks im a slow learner that has difficulty retaining information, but every time i tell her its because my head is foggy she doesnt believe me. no one believes me. no one even knows what im talking about. i live in a house of imposters. my mom isnt my mom. my brother isnt my brother. nothing is real anymore. my emotions are superficial and i find it rare to feel empathy or love for anyone. ive forgotton what it feels like to be truly alive. i overeat constantly out of sheer boredom and need for dopamine. i only do one thing these days. tv shows, books, and video games no longer interest me. i only do one thing all day. im constantly humiliated by my own body because i dont have enough motivation to take care of myself. my nails are long and disgusting, i havent shaved my legs in months, im overweight, and veins are popping out of my legs due to inactivity. my skin is thin, pale, and blotchy and my eyes are bloodshot from blue light exposure. im a fifteen year old girl and i have the body of a middle aged woman. i am completely and entirely undesirable,and i worry that half the damage isnt even reversible. i dont have the motivation to wash my cloths, and im so embarrassed to go to school in the state that im in. i dont know how to make friends or interact with the world in a meaningful way, so i just settle for doing the only things i know how to do. im not old enough to drive so i cant find purpose by getting a job, nor can i escape my house. i dont have many friends, and im so cynical and perfectionistic that i can hardly tolerate hanging out with them despite the fact that i become painfully lonely by myself.i was on antidepressants about two years ago, and they helped with the severe sadness i was experiencing every day, but they didnt get rid of the fogginess so i stopped taking them. since then i have identified the fogginess as some sort of disassociation and ive told my family and therapist about it, but they dont think its real. more than anything, im desperate to wake up from the dream im in. i used to have panic attacks in the shower thinking that i was going insane or had brain damage. now ive just gotten used to it. i asked my mom to schedule another appointment to put me back on medication with the thought that perhaps a higher doasge would help with the fogginess, but she cant get a hold of a psychiatrist. every day i obsess over the idea that this will save me. if i take the meds ill have the motivation to take care of my body. ill have the ability to enjoy life again. ill have the ability to feel emotions again. ill have the ability to make friends. the ability to remember my past and have the mental ability to function intelligently again. ill lose weight, become more mature, get better at what i love doing, find success, and fall in love with someone like i always wanted. but my mom hasnt even been able to schedule an appointment, and when she does, i know ill have to wait several months before i can even get the medication. i dont even know if its going to work. it didnt work before. i just want this to end. the most horrific part of it all is the fact that the internet said that spells of fogginess usually last only a couple minutes or hours. but this s*** has been going on nonstop for YEARS. once every couple of weeks or so there will be times where ill be doing some random activity and ill experience a split second of mental clarity. the sensation of it is always really startling. it feels like my conciousness is expanding to parts of my brain that i havent used in a long time. my thoughts become quick and fluid as if im returning to my body. and then it slowly goes back to the way it was before. its the most depressing, hopeless, and discouraging thing to feel my thoughts being constricted to the back of head after it wears off. its torturous and horrific and no one believes me
