I look at the world around me and see that it’s primed to drag me down and devalue me because of things completely out of my control. The mainstream media, the big tech companies, the government, all do their best to make sure I know that I am worthless because of the color of my skin.
I feel like killing myself to be a martyr to the message that this sort of thing has to stop, but I fear that my death will be in vain because even if it did get big, these same big three will either ignore the story or spin it into something like “crazed man forced to commit suicide by alt right” or to mock me or something like that… I just want to be happy and these people are making me want to kill myself so that they can look virtuous.
I go online and I see a ton of hate directed at my race, but it’s deemed OK and permissible because I’m not a minority… I go offline and out and I hear so many people repeating things said by these monsters but not truly understanding what they’re supporting.
This is wrong. This is completely wrong. Why do I have to suffer because my skin is lighter than other peoples? The thing that makes this worse is that I can’t get help, because I’m living with someone who’s also depressed but for different reasons. I have to put on a neutral or positive mask and be there for them, but nobody’s there for me, and they can’t see the signs or pick up on the hints, and any time I try to be blunt I just get laughed at or made to look like a joke.
This is just me venting. I don’t need a response, but what I do need is to meet someone who I can call a true friend. I have friends IRL, but I wouldn’t call them ‘friends’ in the fact that I can’t rely on them for any sort of support.
this is also making me want to join a white supremacist group because at least there i’ll be f****** accepted in some f****** capacity. i don’t care if i get outcast from everything else, i just need a place to belong and feel safe in.
