I’ve lived a charmed life. Upper middle class white girl with loving, supportive parents. I just finished my bachelor’s degree and have several job leads. Despite all this, I carry this guilt because I don’t want that life. I feel like an imposter. I’m pretty sure I was meant to be an addict. All I want is to waste my life away on drugs until I overdose or die of a related complication. I don’t want a life. But I feel like I can’t tell anyone or ask for help so I’m just going to keep struggling until it’s too late and I give in.
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Take it from me, a recovering (always recovering) alcoholic/addict: Don’t let those thoughts actually lead you down that path. It’s not worth it, and it’s so much harder once you become addicted. If you have a sense that this is a possibility, I’d urge you to find a meeting (AA or Narcotics Anonymous) and go and listen to everyone who gets up to speak. Listen to their struggles. Even though you may be struggling with this self doubt now, you are in a position of more strength and can utilize these meetings to help you hear, see, and feel what it’s like to struggle with it after it gets out of control. I guarantee you you will get a better, more visceral understanding of addiction, and hopefully also see that at the core of all of these stories are all lovely people who tried to numb the pain and only magnified it past the point from which they could control. good luck.
It’s one thing to think about something, sweetheart, another to actually do it. It kind of reminds me of when I thought about suicide every day for 5 years. And every day I called the hotline, and every day they talked me out of the absurdity of wanting to hurt myself. I got a therapist back in May, twice a week, and haven’t had a thought of harming myself since then, maybe a few bad days. But talk about this with a therapist, and give it a good six months. You’ll get to what’s below your wanting to be a drug addict, and look at that instead of what’s eating you now. You’ve got a bachelor’s degree, so you’re strong-willed enough to make that happen. Chase this down, figure it out, instead of the alternative. ((((hugs)))0
Sounds like you just don’t think you’re worth the life you have.
Like you feel guilty for being privlegded.