PLEASE HELP ME
I KNOW I have a drinking problem – andnhave dor Years really – (getting my first DWI should have been a Dead give away seven years ago , waking up in a hospital from nearly overdosing five years ago should have sent the signal, or blacking out and waking up repeatedly not knowing where you are more than once – in your thirties is another great clue)
….but I still love to drink! In fact, I got drunk again last night at home alone with my daughter – and frankly I’ve been getting drunk every night of the week for the past several weeks now
I think the last time I went all day without a drink was maybe early November ? It might have been in October
I tried Doing Halloween sober since I was taking my little girl trick or treating along again – but that didn’t last an hour before I start drinking
My wife used to tell me I had a drinking problem ten years ago but I would listen and now she’s gone
I miss her so much
I just need the alcohol to feel ok or fun
But the truth is – and I know it – I drink too much and so need to massively massively cut back or maybe one day quit drinking
I’m going to try for a dry January – after the New Years when I try to get my fat a** back in the gym to workout more – I’m going to see if I can do 30 days without drinking
Two thoughts:
1) if you think you are drinking too much you probably are
2) the Holidays are a terrible time to try to quit drinking
I hope you dont end up as bad off as me!
If I could go back and do it all over again staring probably around summer 2006 maybe? Id do everything I could to just not get to where I drink alone every night or with my then live in girlfriend – god she was a just a teenager and just so good looking I cant believe I just got drunk all the time – where I was drinking on the couch and she was not – that whole summer and fall of 2006 were like that and from then on, I have just always drank too much
Weird thing was I never drank that heavily in colege – I mean Id go out for beers with friends on the weekend and I went to parties and stuff but I didnt sit around my apartments in 1999-2002 or 2003-2005 just boozing hard and getting trashed all alone on a weekday and doing it all the damn time day after day, week after week
I dont know why I got this way what triggered it – but I know it started getting back in 2006, maybe it was when I pressured my other ex girlfriend the year before to get an abortion in 2005 – she was only a teenager and I was such a b****** the way I mishandled everything about that accidental pregnancy – I mean I cheated on her then I broke up with her and then I started immediately dating an even younger teenage girl
It’s like I went crazy In 2005 with all the crazy s*** that happens that year at least half of it my own fault – and although I used to chainsmoke cigarettes to try to stay sane – in summer 2006 my new live-in Girlfriend who had just graduated high school was a non smoker so I had to massively cut back the smoking and really I had to hide my smoking from her for years – we started sleeping together when she was only 17 and ws a student in my class my last year as a teacher
and she moved in with me a month before graduation – god she was so hot – she was working as a waitress at a mexican cantina – she had been living out of her car after her parents divorce, she only had one bag of clothes, only two pairs of pants, she didnt even own a single pair of socks, only had two pairs of underwear and one pair of shoes… she was so poor… I took advantage of her
But the guilt of everything Id done started hitting me hard by end of 2005 – and it started to really weigh me down by 2006
even though I’ve tried to quit drinking before – it never works
I don’t think Ive had more than maybe two times since 2006 that Ive gone an entire week without drinking alcohol
I’m an Alcoholic but I don’t want to go to AA because I know it won’t work for me
I hope your drinking never gets this bad
All Comments
Stop drinking for good, not just a month, or you WILL die. Think about the impact that will have on your family 5-10 years after you’re gone. Still think it’s worth it “to feel good”?
You’re right
Just stop drinking. Stop for good. How old is your little girl? Do you really think she will be able to survive another 5 years with a father who gets blackout drunk? What if you were to pass out and she needed you? What if she fell and hit her head and you were too drunk to take care of her or have the sense to call 911? She is either going to die from neglect or follow in your footsteps by the time she’s 15 and get into sex and drugs to numb herself.
She misses her mom too. She needs you. You need yourself too. She desperately needs a parent present in her life who can share happy memories with her and provide guidance. You need to be that kind of person for yourself as well.
Sober up. Your little girl needs you.
My best guess is that you’re punishing yourself for past moral failures and are mourning the baby that girl aborted all those years ago. You may feel like an imposter of a father and drink to keep your distance because people have gotten hurt by your mistakes.
But the truth is that you’re your worst self when you’re drunk, you’re just too numb to notice. You need to be sober to heal yourself and heal others. You need sobriety more than you know.
It only makes your guilt worse and compulsion to be destructive more intense and it becomes a vicious cycle.
Seek therapy covered by your insurance.
There are non AA alcohol recovery groups that focus on self empowerment over finding a bullshit higher power to rely on. Look for the right group for you and get into immediate person counseling.
Drinking herbal tea helps. You’ll find feeling properly hydrated and comedy really helps the initial phase.
Good luck. Give your daughter a hug
I’m a young mother with a daughter and an older husband who drunks too much. I don’t want him to become like you but if he does I have to believe that there’s a way to come back from it.
If not for yourself or anybody in your circle please do it for me. I have to know that there’s hope in this world for little girls like yours and mine