I can’t talk to any of my friends as i either pushed them away with my own idiocy or they are half a world away so here we go

I have a problem with running away, from people, family, work, responsibility. It’s terrible and self destructive but I can’t help it. The pressures of each and every one of my f*** ups weighs on me till I can’t take it anymore and just… disappear.

I’ve left relationships with women I loved because I felt I was going to ruin their lives like I’ve ruined mine countless times, I’ve left jobs because I was scared to talk about how my mental health affected my day to day life. Until recently I hadn’t been to a doctors to talk about my mind in over 10 years as I’d just run away again instead. I’ve been going to the hospital repeatedly to try and work out what will help me for weeks and all they have done is given me sleeping tablets.

I know that every time I get to a new place I want to finish it. Run away from any and all that would ever miss me and die by my own terms. I love my girlfriend more than anyone I have ever met. And all I want to do is make her hate me so she won’t miss me when I’m gone. This might be the last time I run away.

What the f*** is wrong with me…
I don’t know how much longer I can keep up this charade…

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