i hate it when people assume whats best for me. dude i dont even know whats best for m so how the hell are you going to know whats best for me? i hate it when people try to control me to. they can damn try. im a catastrophic force. if my pills cant control me and i cant control myself you cant you g******* idiot. im just a wild rabid animal thats just destined to absolutely destroy everything they touch and they cant freaking stop it even if they want to stop doing it and even if they want to do the best they can. i hate it as much as you do ok? im just as mad at myself as you are. im just as disappointed in myself as you. maybe even more. i certainly feel so much more pain than you feel. you dont even feel 10% of it. the fact that i cant do a damn thing right hurts me more than anything. a thousand words of encouragement are ruined by a single word of hate. of i have 100 confidence. its just negative. not positive. just like everything in my life. at least i can pretender im happy and im not f****** destroying everything. all of my problems are my fault. i dont need you to keep repeating what i already know. you keep telling me to shut up and stop “talking back” when im trying to defend me and the ones a care for? maybe instead of tapeing my mouth shut you should look in the g******* mirror and see what you are and then tape your eyes and mouth closed instead. but you wont understand and you wont care. you cant hear me past these twenty layers of tape. across my mouth. you cant see the tears staining my cloths.
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the cuts i put on my entire body because im apparently a worthless monster? oh no they dont hurt. these tears arnt tears. someone like me cant feel that shit now can they? no. but i sure as hell want to for fuck sake. but im unworthy to even FEEL let alone SPEAK.
im worthless. i dont fucking want to be but thats what everyone wants of me. to use me. to break me. and when i so much as raise a hand i get beaten. lifes fun isn’t it?
im done venting for one night. even waist needs to rest.