• 5 years ago
  • 294 Views

this is gonna be long

my life is a garbage fire lately and i feel like i cant say anything anymore. i have wonderful friends i rely on but i feel like i need to stop going to them or posting about my problems where they can see. so i am here about the latest chapter of trashmess.

my father is wretched and i havent talked to him in over 4 years in order to distance myself from him. he also has diabetes, which ive lived in fear of getting and is why ive avoided the doctor for as long as ive avoided my father.

every time ive gotten sick however, ive turned to google and time after time stuff will show up as a symptom of diabetes (and other stuff). so far ive ignored it and its gone away and ill use that as ‘proof’ im fine but im at a point where i had like constantly recurring utis and now a random mysterious possible yeast infection? and the only reason i can see for that is…untreated diabetes.

ive decided imma get serious and make changes to hopefully reverse this but even now im refusing to go to a doctor. ive been fat my whole life and ive always been taught to hate myself and my body for it, but the one bit of pride i always had was doctors trying to scold me about my weight but then having to tell me my blood pressure/blood sugar/etc are all fine. now im worried ill go in and have some dude who smugly confirms the diabetes and treats me like an idiot who deserves my suffering for being fat and ugly.

add to that the fact my grandfather was diagnosed with dementia about a year ago and is going through an episode rn, and im already stressed with school qnd how imma pay my tuition and finding a job and taking care of my grandparents (one is going for a knee surgery thursday) and a guest who has been staying here against my wishes for 4 weeks and has 3 more to go. ive been more suicidal than ive been since i was a teen living with my father alone in a new state. not to mention current events. im black, transgender, and gay and s*** is looking pretty bleak rn but! climate change may kill us all in a couple decades, if ww3 doesnt kill us first but wait before that i migjt get diagnosed with one of the many illnesses that has a history in my family like breast cancer and, haha, dementia. and another grandmother who has schizophrenia and im worried i might develope it and boy howdy.

im only still here because i love my friends more than any words could describe

and also im a coward who prolly wouldnt be able to commit suicide even if i was alone. o/

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